A MERRY COVID CHRISTMAS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-23-20)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     We were longing for just a small taste of a regular Christmas season, so we sat ourselves in the car for a few minutes while we remembered how to work it, forced ourselves out into the cruel world, and headed for Manhattan just like in normal times. And darned if it didn't feel pretty good. To the casual observer (and this is why you should dress for the holidays), it seems as though we're in a bad scene in a bad movie right now, and Owen Wilson is there, and Vince Vaughn is in it and Steven Seagal is directing, and we're already over budget and trying to do re-writes on the fly and Rotten Tomatoes is going to make a salad of it. I wish we were at least getting paid to be in this bomb, but it's the only bomb we have.

     In normal times we'd have tickets to "A Prairie Home Companion," or a holiday-themed show in a tiny theater in the Village, something campy and quirky. But that'll have to wait until next year. So we wandered over to see the tree at Rockefeller Center, and that was a much different experience from previous years. Instead of being packed onto 49th Street wishing you were on the Number 7 train during rush hour because it was less crowded and a more pleasant experience, you could spread out and do a few calisthenics if you so desired. People were keeping their distance from one another, and I had so much space I was thinking of putting in a bocce court. It was almost civilized.

     We took a few selfies of my thumb with the tree in the background. This year's tree is a 75-foot tall Norway spruce from Oneonta. When they unfurled it they found a small owl hiding in the boughs. They named him Rockefeller, so he might one day be heir to a fortune. He had to travel 170 miles to get here, but at least he didn't have to come all the way from Norway like the tree did. The wildlife center nursed him back to health and released him onto Broadway, which had less people than the desolate forest he grew up in. We sometimes see a barred owl that hangs around in a tree in our back yard looking around for prey that he can swoop down and grab. He had his eye on my neighbor Paul, who was feeding branches into his wood chipper. It's possible that he could have made off with Paul, but he never let go of the wood chipper.

     We had reservations at Tony's on 43rd Street, our favorite Italian eatery. Usually you can look inside a restaurant and tell if it's any good by how many patrons are there. Now, it's quite the opposite, and for once, being scared of every living human seemed vaguely heroic. But the tables were properly distanced, and I was able to slide pieces of veal saltimbocca underneath my mask when no one was around. It was somebody's birthday, and they brought out a giant dessert with sparklers in it, blazing away. In normal times it would have brushed past me and almost lit my hair on fire, but neither the sparklers nor my hair had the heart for it these days.

     Ordinarily we'd head over to 9th Avenue and find a place to knock down a couple cocktails, but not this year. Bars are a breeding ground for sloppy behavior and people tend to let down their guard. Most dumb ideas that people regret were born in bars after a few drinks, and often the dumbest idea was that last drink. Peoples inhibitions go haywire. "Hey honey, you got a beautiful bridge of your nose, just let me see what you got under that mask. Just let me see one nostril and I'll guess the other." And who needs a taproom full of drunk covid molecules running amok? A covid molecule that you ordinarily wouldn't give the time of day can look SO CUTE after a Long Island iced tea.

     On the drive back home we saw so many deer on the side of the parkway that it seemed like they were the only ones having any fun. I asked my wife, don't deer hibernate? Shouldn't they be building a burrow underground or something? Not out carousing around in a giant stag party. I guess I'm a little envious- for once humans are the ones who seem like they don't have it together at all.

     Since our little night out, indoor dining has gone on an unfortunate hiatus. If you blame Cuomo, you're still not getting it. Public enemy number one is the relentless, invisible invader. A close second are large swaths of the entitled, the ill-informed, the mask-less. The reason experts exist is to know more than you and I, and now would be a great time to listen to them. Stay safe and let's all get to the other side together.

     We can't do all the things we usually do right now, but we had a really nice evening. We adjusted, we adapted, we accepted. In normal times we'll remember when there was a "new normal." I can't wait until that's the "old normal."