OUT WITH THE OLD

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-14-20)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     In an ordinary year I'd be spending New Year's Eve at my friends Dave and Rachel's house party, and I'd while away the evening at the dessert table not far from the chocolate-covered pretzels, trying to find a paper hat that makes my outfit "pop" and trying to avoid dancing where anyone could see me. But this was not an ordinary year, and parties are a thing of the future. We spent this December 31st weekend with my sister Kath and her husband at her place in the Poconos, since we're all playing by the same rules and co-voiding covid. Lately, any evening spent with mammals who don't have four legs seems like an Ibiza rave, and our talent for manufacturing fun where previously little could be found has been finely honed by the pandemic.

     My sister had picked out a murder mystery for us to watch, which is perfect for me. I can identify any number of suspects during the movie, and I think the average DA would be overjoyed with my theories, right after cuffing me to the soda machine. We got so caught up in the movie we almost forgot to tune into Times Square to wait for the ball to drop. I always watch the ball drop, even though I've seen it enough times already in the Giants' passing game. "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" was a bit more subdued this year, with only a handful of spectators and even the inflatable wind puppets properly socially distanced.

     They had an interview with Joe Biden, his last of the year, and he shared a message of "unity and hope." Trump also shared a message, which I am too much of a lady to print here. They allowed a small group of well-deserving "first responders" to view the celebration in person, much to the chagrin of the "second responders," who made it to the accident a little late due to a nail appointment that was REALLY hard to get. Also in attendance were a sampling of essential workers, which I should have been a part of. I work for the Big Television Network, and if I don't do my job correctly your Jets game could end up in Kuala Lumpur, much to the chagrin of Kuala Lumpur.

     J-Lo appeared onstage wearing a huge, furry white outfit that looked like a polar bear that got caught in a hay baler, but as the performance wore on and on she wore less and less, until she was left with just a sexy sequin jumpsuit and a sexy sequin microphone. This may be why it takes women so long to get dressed: if they can't decide which outfit they simply wear one on top of the other. There were some additional performers, Cyndi Lauper and Machine Gun Kelly, and from Los Angeles, Ciara, Miley Cyrus, Nelly and Doja Cat. I was hoping Doja Cat might give a performance of "Say So," with Joe Biden doing the Nicky Minaj part, but maybe next year.

     Finally we were ready for the countdown. My sister heard of an Irish tradition where they welcome in the new year by opening the back door to let the old year out, and then the front door to let the new year in. I tried to calculate exactly how long to hold the door open for the whole year to leave, I didn't want even a week of it hanging around. There was a wind blowing in from the outside the back door, so I hope none came back inside. I don't want 2020 to claim that New Year's Day didn't really happen, while offering absolutely no evidence and still getting a whole bunch of dim bulbs to believe it.

     For my resolution I decided that I'm going to better myself this year by becoming more knowledgeable in, well pretty everything. That's right, I'm going to become a Renaissance Man. The first thing I'm going to learn is what a Renaissance Man is and how to spell it. One characteristic of a Renaissance Man is free thinking, which had me at "hello" because I'm too cheap to pay for it.

     After the countdown was over and the ball dropped and the confetti finished drifting to the ground, the celebrities who were performing in the show kind of hung around a bit, trying to look like they had a good reason for still being out there in the cold. It reminded me of the group of smokers that loiter around the outside of the building where I work, who would have no Earthly reason to hang out together, other than to blow smoke at each other.

     Meanwhile, I'll continue my New Year's resolution to better myself through greater understanding. By the end of 2021 I will have bettered myself so much you won't even know me, unless you're simply pretending not to know me. I'm going to learn what a "Mandalorian" is, and even test-drive one or learn to play one, depending on if I guessed right. Maybe I'll learn a romance language, probably Latin, since you always hear about how romantic Latin lovers are. Maybe I'll learn a bromance language, too, if I'm in a self-didactic mood. I'm going to find out how the other half lives, and if I don't have time for the whole half, maybe just the other third or so. I'll see you in 2021, and you can feel free to give me a pop quiz. I wish everyone a safe and happy New Year!