ONLY IN THE MOVIES

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 05-20-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I've been in quarantine for a while now, and I've seen just about every movie and television show that was ever made. I've also been living in the real world for, well, actually never, but I've certainly observed others doing it and it looks pretty straightforward. But there's a difference between what happens in the movies and what happens during a normal day, and they almost never intersect.

     For instance, you often see something called "quicksand" in the movies, but you never see it in real life. It's usually in the middle of a forest somewhere, and instead of simply walking around it, somebody goes right in it, and starts sinking down, down, down to nobody knows where because they always gets rescued just in time. It's about the same consistency as Rice Krispies with too much milk and not enough sugar. It always looks exactly the same every time, as if there was only one guy in Hollywood who knew the recipe. Every time I see some sand in the jungle I stand on it while I time it with my watch to see it it's any quicker than usual, but so far, nothing.

     There's no finesse in killing anyone anymore. In a James Bond movie you could take a rattlesnake and stick it under somebody's pillow, and during an inopportune fluff, CHOMP! A slow painful death, unless Rick Melén is there to save the day. "Rick! You did it! You sucked the poison from the wound and spit it out! You're my HERO!" "Wait, you're supposed to spit it out? What the hell, no one ever told me that part!" Nowadays no one even takes the time to strap me onto a moving conveyor belt heading towards a giant ripsaw. It makes me feel as though I wasn't even worth it.

     How many times in films do you see a guy say a whole bunch of rude things to a girl, and she says a whole bunch of nasty things back, and before you know it, they're rolling around on the floor, pulling at each other's hair in wanton abandon. In real life, one of the nasty things she says to me is that it looks like I haven't vacuumed the floor in at least two months so she's not rolling around on it. And one of the rude things I say to her is don't pull my damn hair. She says don't bother calling her, and I tell her I can't because I don't have her number, so she gives it to me and THEN reiterates the not calling part. And before she slams the door in my face I tell her that I wouldn't call her if she was the last woman left on Earth. Unless she wants me to. Also that it's my apartment, but she already slammed the door.

     I was in driving in New Jersey about to go over a bridge and a barrier comes down in front of me. Turns out it's a drawbridge, and I had to make a split-second decision on whether or not to bust through the barrier and jump the drawbridge. I've seen it done a million times in the movies, but I don't recall anyone ever doing it in a Dodge Dart. My mind races ahead, and I realize that not only will I not make it to the other side, but my fender will have a huge dent from the barrier, and I'm going to get a bill for the hole I put in the sailboat that was coming through at the time, and they're going to charge me to replace the barrier I busted AND I'm going to get a ticket for going 60 MPH trying to get my speed up. So I just stopped, and after 20 minutes I wish I had tried it.

     In the movies, those two platonic friends have been through a lot, and one of them realizes he's in love with her. They share a glass of wine and a long look, and his mouth embarks on an excruciatingly long journey toward hers. Finally they embrace and kiss frantically, their arms and hands moving all over each others' backs and hair and their lips smushing against each others' teeth. Thank god they got it in one take, says their dentist. In real life, we share the wine and the long look, and without taking my eyes off hers, I move in for the big moment, and I'm almost there, and she says, "What the hell do you think you're doing? When I asked you, 'is that the bathroom over there?' it sounded to you like, 'we should kiss now, cue the music?'" When she comes back from the bathroom not only has the moment passed but now I have to go too. Only in the movies.