NOT ON MY WHALE WATCH

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-19-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     Every time I vacation in Provincetown, Massachusetts, I learn the same lesson, and I don't mind learning it over and over because it's so important. The lesson is that no matter how far out there somebody else's lifestyle seems to you, it doesn't seem that way to them. And further, they don't care that you think they're out there. The natives here welcome tourism, they know how to entertain and they don't mind if you stare until the novelty wears off.

     If you come here you're going to see gay men, gay women, people who populate any number of gray areas in between and a whole lot of dogs on a leash. Some people came here to see if they really were what they thought they were (they were), and never left. It's a microcosm of what society can be if it learns the above lesson, because since most of these folks have experienced the same sexual prejudices at some point in their lives (maybe most points), their tolerance for racism, jingoism and other forms of bigotry is very low.

     There's plenty to do. We've been coming here for 40 years and we've never been on a whale watch, so we went on one. The ship cruises about 45 minute north of town into the Stellwagen Bank Marine Sanctuary, a natural shelf rich in diverse forms of ocean life. The crew shares information about the whales they see and collect data about their habits. Humpback whales feed here during the summer, coming from as far away as the Dominican Republic. Known as baleen whales, they take in huge mouthfuls of seawater and express it out through the baleen tissue, which holds the krill and plankton they source as food. If I was a 50-foot whale couldn't I think of something more satisfying to eat, like a 10 foot submarine sandwich? "Mom, when's dinner? It's only two o'clock and I'm STARVING." "Why don't you have a few diatoms? That should tide you over until high tide." Thanks, Mom. 

     We came upon a 48 year-old cow named Freckles, and if you're wondering how she got her name, it's a good idea not to get close enough to find out. I'm not interested in going viral in somebody's selfie video where the whale comes REALLY close to the boat and starts following it and bumping into it, and everyone goes gaga and yells isn't this great, it's trying to make friends with us, let's get closer and BFF the whale, and tell it some intimate details about last year's vacation and perhaps overshare a little bit and then the whale performs the ultimate act of friendship by eating us. Yes folks, whales have a more normal idea of friendship than some of our friends do, which is having us for dinner once in a while. 

     It was a surf-and-turf kind of evening, and back on land, Drag Queen Karaoke is an institution at the Goveronor Bradford Restaurant. You can hear just about anything you want here, but you'll mostly hear things you don't. Karaoke sung by someone who can really sing is a rare gem, and butchered by someone who can't is a train wreck that even the most stringent safety measures cannot prevent from happening over and over again. People have been subjected to countless trials and tribulations through time immemorial, but it's nothing compared to the abject horrors that the bartender here has endured on a daily basis.

     A guy with a pair of wings on his back sauntered in to sing a song, and I meant to ask him if those things really work. I wouldn't ind flying to work once in a while but I have no idea what my wing size is. The introduction to his song was 24 bars, according to the screen, so I could have finished the whole conversation with enough time left over to introduce the song to my mother's entire side of the family, which goes all the way back to Norway. 

     Perhaps humans have evolved while I wasn't paying close attention, but everything I've seen since 2016 tells me we're going in the other direction. We may be crawling back into the sea before too long, so whenever I go to Provincetown I hit the beach and brush up on my swimming skills.

     While there's a 64-bar guitar solo in the song, did you know that whales have not been observed mating, but have been seen engaging in "seductive behavior?" The male blows bubbles underneath the female, and that tickles her fancy in an inappropriate place: Massachusetts Bay. You think that's little weird do you? Well, I've got news for you: whales don't care what we think, and the sooner we all understand that, the better.