BEARLY A SCRATCH

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (10-27-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Habitats are shrinking every day, and if we're not careful there's a species that may soon find itself on the endangered list. And that species is US. When we went into the woods behind our property the other day we noticed a tree missing half its bark from about 3 to 8 feet from the ground. We posted a picture of it on social media and everyone weighed in with their theories: Deer rubbing their antlers (they would have had to find a stepladder); a woodpecker (you'd have to be an awfully big pecker to peck that much wood); a cougar (maybe a cougar holding a woodpecker); a beaver (building a dam in the middle of the woods?); lightning (if lightning struck using a Milwaukee Sawzall); Sasquatch (the most plausible of the bunch). 

     But at the very top of the damage was a gouge in the exact shape of a paw with sharp claws on it. It couldn't have been more obvious if it had left fingerprints, a DNA profile and a written confession. I couldn't figure out what a bear would want that's inside that tree- was it GOLD? I started scratching into it in a frenzy until my wife calmly escorted me back inside to research the phenomenon. Apparently bears dig into trees when they are desperate for food, and the inner sapwood provides a source of nutrients that is at least, obviously, high in fiber. It made me wonder what the other bears thought of the first bear that suggested eating raw wood. "Wow what a great idea! What wine goes with wood? Hey, look over there- it's a storm drain cover! Why don't you give that a try! It's high in iron! In fact, its... grate!" 

     It seemed a little scary to me that a bear can inflict this much pain on a full-grown tree. I had an image in my mind of bears as a somewhat benign and friendly group. They usually talk, have a hug named after them and sometimes dance. I think of Winnie the Pooh, a bear who likes poetry, speaks in an accent, has a best friend who's an ass, and wears a shirt but no pants. Maybe this is a bad example. 

     Yet they always seemed caring and helpful. When I was a little kid, Smokey the Bear would come on TV and tell me, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" And I thought to myself, "Who, ME? What the hell am I supposed to do about it?" I didn't even live near a forest. There was nobody else who could help?

     Even in the story of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," the bears let her go without so much as a blonde hair out of place even though she was technically guilty of breaking and entering. If I was Goldilocks, and I'm pretty sure she HATED being called that, I would get into the Bears' garbage cans and spread their trash all over the driveway, add a little ironic comic twist to the story.

     Nowadays there is a family of bears starring in their own television commercial, and come to think of it they do not really come out looking too good either. The family has chosen toilet paper as the focus of their budget, and they're trying to cut down. They argue incessantly about how many sheets they should use. Winnie the Pooh never did THAT, and his last name is POOH.

     And of course there were Teddy bears, whose name came from an incident in which Theodore Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear that had been treed and subdued during a hunting trip, deeming it poor sportsmanship. That turned the bear into a cuddly stuffed toy that lived on your pillow. Mine was a kind of scary-looking old soul with only one eye and mangy fur and looked like he shouldn't be left alone with children.

     Bears have other weird habits. There are many reports of them raiding bird-feeders, as if some sunflower seeds are going to satisfy a 500-pound appetite. Does that sound like the work of a sane animal? Also, who, besides my Dad, could spend the entire winter in the den? Maybe my tree-eating bear is the most normal of the crowd. We have a beautiful cherry tree in our front yard and I don't want him getting any ideas about becoming the "George Washington of Bears." Even if he doesn't lie about chopping it down afterwards, it's just as dead either way, and I couldn't bear the thought of it.