FIR EXAMPLE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-22-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     We attended our town's tree-lighting ceremony a couple weeks ago, and it definitely helped me get a little more holiday spirit going, which was a good thing because I'm running a little behind. I didn't get my act together in time for Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Where Did I Leave My Wallet Wednesday, There's Nothing Left in the Store Thursday or Forget About it Friday. I guess I can get better bang for my holiday shopping buck if I wait until after Christmas. Even better, if I can just hold my gift recipients off another year, the electronic doo-dad I was going to get this year will soon be obsolete, and I can the new one that hasn't been invented yet the year after.

     When I was a kid we used to get more into Christmas once my Mom started putting decorations up around the house, like pine boughs and a ceramic Nativity Scene we had, which included Mary, Joseph, the Wise Men, some farm animals and the baby Jesus in a manger. My Mom set the scene according to standard practice, and then we made some revisions to the layout that were not necessarily based on the Bible. We were just little kids and didn't have the whole story down pat, but suffice it to say that our version of things could have resulted in a visit from the Bethlehem ASPCA, PETA, the Department of Agriculture and Child Protective Services.

     I didn't even get a chance to put my outdoor Christmas tree lights up yet since I'm existing on one foot these days. The job requires me crawling around underneath the shrubs to find the plug in the wet leaves, trying to determine if its a fire hazard (probably yes, but settling on no) and then locating an outdoor extension cord that is UL approved. I don't know who the UL is, but if you've been waiting around for their approval all this time I think you should see a therapist.

     I always find it astonishing that we can send so much money sending a probe to Mars, where I spend hardly any time, and almost no money on whatever research it would take to find a way to manufacture Christmas lights that don't stop working when one of the bulbs burns out. I went to High School in the 1970s, and we had a lot of burnouts, and it didn't stop the rest of the school from functioning just fine.

     At our tree lighting, The Girl Scouts were serving hot chocolate, and I drank about 85% of the minimum daily adult requirement. I don't need my hot chocolate as hot as I like my coffee, which I prefer so scalding that after I have one sip the tip of my tongue burns off, which is the only part that you can taste coffee with. After that I can only identify foods that are bitter, salty, or taste like 205/17-inch all-season radial tires, and don't ask me how I know that.

     The tree ceremony is a great place to join in a few Christmas carols. And I like the fact that since I can never remember lyrics, I can just sing "Fa la la la la," and I have a better than average chance of getting it right. But if I hear the songs in every television ad starting since before Halloween, I'm going to peak too early and become severely Grinched by Thanksgiving. And I don't want to find myself singing "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen" along to the TV, and discover much too late that it's an ad for "manscaping" products or something. I suppose manscaping products might make a great Christmas gift for the guy who has everything and needs to shave some of it off, but I don't need to be involved. Just do the pruning, mow the lawn, blow the leaves and leave me out of it.

     You might not believe it but I have a cynical side to me, and even as a kid I wasn't really buying the Santa Claus story. And yet parents used to insist the whole thing was true, and it made me very wary of blindly accepting everything adults said. 

     To this day I have a hard time believing the story of Santa Claus. How could he get all those deliveries done in one night? Who names a reindeer "Blixen?" And if Claus gets caught in  the chimney flue on the way down, isn't it going to put a damper on things? But then whom to my wondering eyes should appear, but Santa Claus himself, right next to that Douglas fir in front of the Town House. And after a countdown, the place lit up like, well, a Christmas tree, and I thought maybe it wouldn't hurt to update my Christmas list, just in case I've been nicer than I thought.