CRAZY TALK

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-27-23)

 

     I often read The New York Times, because I like the pictures, and because I love the fact that they can make a graph for just about anything. But I find I need more in-depth information, and figuring out how to read the graph is, to use graphic language, a pain in the axis. So I was scrolling through the news feed on my web browser to get the latest breaking bulletins. I found out, for instance, that Twitter users are throwing fire emojis at Elizabeth Hurley's bikini photos. If this ends up causing a Canadian wildfire I will know about it before anyone else.

     The news of the day turned up an article titled, "How To Spot A Psychopath Through 5 Telltale Traits." Which, when you work in the media is a useful thing to know. A team of researchers at Cornell University studying inmates convicted of murder found that a common theme among them was their patterns and topics of speech. It didn't seem like a lot of new ground being broken, but I'll paraphrase the results for you anyway. One of their habits is to frequently punctuate their speech using "um" and "uh," I guess to consider if what they're about to say sounds nuts. (I'm talking  about  the convicted murderers, not the researchers  from  Cornell.)  So, if you  happen  to be chatting  with  someone  who  says something like, "Uh, it's, um, so time-consuming being uh, a psychopath," that could be a dead giveaway. Hopefully not in that order.

     They also use subordinating conjunctions such as "because" or "so that," maybe to effect a logical premise for why they did what they did. Not only does it make sense that convicted murderers often believe that they killed for a good reason, but it also confirms my suspicion that my 10th grade logics class teacher was probably a psychopath.

     The study found that conversations with the inmates often included details about food, specifically, what they ate on the day of their crimes. I would be curious to know if there were any patterns regarding WHAT they ate, because I think you'd have to be a lunatic to eat Brussels sprouts. If you are what you eat, there are some people I know who probably ate a lot of bananas.

     Crazy is a word that's bandied about way too loosely in my opinion. My Mom used to say I drove her crazy. I said, "Mom, I understand that I drive you crazy, but once I drive you there you'll be crazy about me! Hop in!" Much of what is labelled as "crazy" just turns out to be "stupid." Some members of Congress seem to relish being called "unhinged," possibly to illustrate that they are willing to go to great lengths in their beliefs and beef up fund-raising. They seem secretly hoping to be called "crazy like a fox," but being crazy like a stupid fox isn't flattering either to the congresswoman or the fox.

     Another psychopathic tendency is that they tend to shy away from discussing religion or family life. I'm not a great believer in organized religion, maybe because I'm afraid no organized religion would let me in if they see my office. And any talk involving my family is a discussion of wackos even before you get around to me. I guess most of us are a little bit crazy.

     According to my own research, a sociopath is anti-social and flouts the rules, impulsive and is quick to be angry and defensive. A psychopath tends to take pleasure in harming others, often internalizes his or her feelings and lies pathologically. As an illustration, a sociopath is like my cat, whereas a psychopath is like my other cat.

     I know the article was just trying to be helpful, but I need more definitive evidence that whomever I'm speaking to is a person that might kill me. For that reason, I take a quick DNA swab whenever I'm talking to someone who seems dicey. I also ask to see their web browser. I get a full set of fingerprints as well if there is a search for "places to hide a body where no one will find it." I was surprised that the number one answer was my garage, by the way.

     To me, a psychopath is someone who is dangerously crazy, and I'm just slightly annoyingly quirky. But it was alarming how many tell-tale psychopath traits I have according to the article. I ask my wife, am I crazy or is this a dumb article? She says, why does it have to be one or the other?