MISSING THE BOAT

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-17-23)

 

     Every summer we eventually find ourselves aboard a boat, and it reminds me of when I myself was the skipper of my own cabin cruiser, which I co-owned with my very patient and understanding friend Dave. I've heard it said a million times that the two best days a boat owner ever has are the day he buys the boat and the day he sells it. And to that I say, well if you buy and sell a boat annually you'll have two great days a year, which is not a bad average.

     Ours was mid-size power cruiser, and sometimes my wife and I would head up the Hudson and put in at our sister marina in Newburgh. Eventually, in between dry-dock repairs, we would bring our dog and our bicycles, and have a nice weekend. But the learning curve for a novice skipper is arduous and nerve-wracking, and I bent so many fenders that I came to be known as "Captain Crunch." 

     In my own defense, things that didn't make much sense on land make even less sense at sea, and then you're too far from shore to tell anyone how stupid it is and that they should change it. For instance "starboard" and "port" mean "right" and "left," so if you were to say, "my phone is probably right where I left it," on a boat you might say, "my phone is probably starboard where I port it." I guess portholes all are on the left, too (don't worry, I'm almost done). Nothing is the same on a boat. The kitchen is the galley, the bathroom is the head, the bedroom is the cabin and the steering wheel is the helm. There's a sign as you motor out of the marina channel that says "NO WAKE ZONE" which I never saw because I was asleep, thinking I was obeying it.

     One beautiful summer day three weeks after 9/11, we were stopped by a Coast Guard patrol boat for wandering into the Indian Point "no-fly" zone. He called out on a megaphone, "Do you have a radio and know how to use it?" I answered, "Of course I do, it's down below." "What band is it on?" I said "I believe that is Metallica right now." "Did you know you are currently in a restricted area?" He asked. "I'm aware of that, and as you can see I haven't let anyone else in." He looked at the front of my boat and said, "I'd like to see your bow," and I gave such an elaborate example of one that I thought he would leave right away, but instead he came aboard. He gave me a stern warning: get my stern out of there or face federal charges.

     I could only get one engine started because I must have flooded the carbureter on the other one. On a boat there is no end to the amount of things you could flood if you put your mind to it.

     I said to my wife, "Come up here to the bridge, take the wheel and hold position while I weigh the anchor. Then I'm going to the galley to make a hot mess." She said, "First of all, there's no bridge on this thing. And second of all, No." "WHAT? What do you mean 'NO?'" I was flabbergasted, which resulted in a noise that I had to deny came from me. I ranted, "There's no 'No' onboard when the ship is underway! The Captain has absolute authority, and hands down the orders and the crew obeys the orders. That's the Way of the Sea." She said, "Well, it's the same No that I use on land." "I'm going to have to place you on report, and write the incident up. See this thing here? This is the Captain's Log." She said something about how small my Captain's Log was, but still would not hold position. I realized that she wasn't crazy about our position in the first place, which put me in an awkward positon. I didn't want to threaten to keel haul her and risk her pointing out that I didn't know where the keel was. So I had to weigh anchor, which seemed like it might have put on a little weight, plus hold down a mutiny the same time.

     I realized I better take care of business or I might end up like Henry Hudson, the explorer that discovered the Henry Hudson Parkway. He perished at sea during the year 1611 in Canada after his crew turned on him and set him adrift. If I was to be set adrift of a boat that was not holding position it might not be all that dangerous, as long as we both drifted in the same general direction. 

     The boat finally sustained an injury to its engine that would have cost more to fix than the vessel was worth, which was not a very high bar to pass. We ended up donating it to "Boats 4 Kids," which furthers youth and educational programs. So if you see an underprivileged kid piloting a 32-foot yacht around the Hudson River, he's probably doing better than I did.