CAN AI REALLY SAVE US?

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-29-24)

 
     I had a random thought the other day (which I guess technically makes it an accident) that artificial intelligence may never be used for anything useful. I know that sounds cynical, and I want to believe that great things will lie ahead, and that AI won't simply be put to work figuring out new ways to scam us, coming up with fake photos and videos to support goofy conspiracy theories and proliferating content that I'll probably have to delete from my web browser but I swear I didn't look at any longer than was absolutely necessary.

     I came across an article imparting generous qualities to AI, which said that it could "execute plans," "learn and become better" and "predict future outcomes based on historical trends." It was so self-flatteringly like a George Santos job resumé that it must have been written by AI. But we're not at the Saving-The-World stage yet; there are still some bugs to be worked out. "WOW, Watson, I heard that you wrote up a plan that can save our company by predicting future outcomes based on historical trends! That's wonderful!" "Why, thank you. I discovered that your company has always spent more money than it has taken in, and I predict that you will continue to do that." "That is awesome! And I heard that you will keep on learning and getting BETTER!" "Yes, my goal is to be better than Bing. I am already nicer-looking, taller and more modest." "I can't thank you enough for putting together this plan. When will you execute it?" "I already have. That's it in the corner, that pile of dust. I executed it this morning by firing squad."

     Instead of beating around the bush maybe I'll just ask you directly: Hey, Artificial Intelligentsia, if you're such a genius, how about inventing a traffic light that can take a look across the street to see if anyone's coming, and since nobody is, turn itself green? It's lonely sitting there by myself. How about telling us how to manufacture an easy-open package of cheese that opens easily? I recently found myself in a cheese emergency, and comitted a felonious assault on Swiss cheese with a Swiss Army knife.

     Hey AI, maybe you can figure out how to make the Real Housewives look realer? Make them look like they did before they had al that plastic surgery, and charge them for it AGAIN. How about coming up with some better ways to crossbreed animals and plants? Why can't we cross a leek with a seal and cure the problem before it even starts? How can we mate an impala with a jack-in-the-pulpit in case it gets a flat? Okay maybe I should think back inside the box.

     One thing AI should not be used for is creating art. The most interesting thing about art is often not the art itself, but the glimpse into the artist's brain. AI has no artists brain, it just has the ability to take a look at everything that has ever been painted, written or composed, and make up a different version of it. I'll give you an example of how this is bad: Every time I watch a basketball game, since someone decided long ago that Americans can't survive in a quiet surrounding, there comes blaring through the sound system almost ceaselessly something that is not music, not the sounds of the game, not useful information of any kind, but a series of noises accompanied by a loud ticking sound, that I suppose is meant to resemble a percussion instrument. I complain about it every time to my wife, and she agrees that it is annoying and repetitive. Not the noise, but the sound of me complaining. I am convinced that whoever is in charge of music at the arena, being granted a budget of, well, zero, turned to AI to generate an artificial soundtrack that was not subject to music publishing royalties. And so, in its wisdom, AI scoured the internet and learned that at every basketball game, ticking noises were being played, and it assumed that it was because we loved them, and figured out how to generate them louder and more often.

     So I'm hoping that this great tool, which could affect the course of mankind will someday be applied to the grand purpose of solving problems we don't even have yet. Medical science, the planning of cities, manufacturing, finding renewable energy are noble pursuits. But let's start small. First, let's figure out how to stop people from scamming us, how to identify fake political conspiracy theories and how to better hide my browser history.