HOW DO YOU RATE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-19-24)

     There are only a few more days until Christmas, and I'm still behind in my shopping. I started it five months ago, but I've been paralyzed by R.O.D., or "ratings obfuscation debilitation." That is a well-known condition which I just made up that causes your brain to shut down after reading between 1200 and 32,000 ratings for a given product on Amazon that you might buy as a gift.

     I easily find what I want, and wrestle the item into the shopping cart. But it's still there, because I can't decide on a shipping option. Do I want FREE two-day delivery, or do I want one of the other options which is even MORE free? Or do I want to have it sent on Amazon Day, which is a different Amazon Day from the one where everything is 25% off, but I will get a little credit, something I usually don't get in real life. OR, do I want it delivered on a day that has a lower carbon footprint than my usual size 11 carbon footprint? I  check the box that says "Just Send Me the Damn Thing," and go to the "Extended Warranty" section.

     Do I want to protect my purchase? If my purchase is say, a knife, it should be able to protect ITSELF. So I check the box that says, "No Thanks, I'll Irresponsibly Take The Chance That This Thing Will Survive The Least Expensive Shipping Option." Right before I press the "Complete my Purchase" button, I see a tab that says, "Other Things People Have Bought That Were Better Than The Thing You're Going To Buy." So I check them out before I check out.

     And there they've compiled a list of items tailored specifically for me based on my behavior, which is often not exemplary, I will admit. It seems like Amazon is somehow watching everything I do. It sees me when I'm sleeping, it knows when I'm awake. It knows if I’ve been bad or good, just give me a fricking break.

     So I look at the items, and I must say, they would complete me. But are they everything they're cracked up to be? I'd better check the ratings, that's where people do their best cracking up. Let's see, here is a frying pan with 12,000 ratings. They've listed them based on their relevance, according to what I've found relevant in the past and my likelihood to like them in the future. I sort them by how many things the rater has rated that other people have found useful. Then I discard any reviews less than two year old, so I can see if this baby's gonna last. I then weed out all the ratings that are more than 700 words, and those less than three. I only choose the raters that have a good rating. I'm down to 4,000 ratings, so I take the ones that are not in English, and translate them to a different language that I don't know. Now I'm ready to make an informed purchase.

     Do I want to sign up for rewards? YES! I expect to get a reward for turning you in to the authorities, depending on what you've done, or for finding your cat, depending on what he's done.  However, I'll need to fill out a 6-page application form for a credit card that I will only use this once.

     Okay, I think I'm ready to click "Order" now. But wait, is that a video at the bottom? I'd better check it first. After the opening credits roll (I've always wanted to be the "best boy" on a production crew, but there was a better boy than me), I'm asked to like the film if I don't specifically dislike it. But it turns out that the movie is only about unboxing the item. It does have a plot twist at the end, so I won't give it away, but I guess I was expecting a little more thinking outside the box. I should have known, because the video was only rated "somewhat helpful."

     Maybe I should just get something on Facebook Marketplace Instead. Surely I can trust you, my lifelong friend? But even though we're already friends you keep friending me, and I keep accepting you, and then you keep posting to say that it's not really YOU sending these friend requests, but someone POSING as you. But is it YOU posting that warning, or is it the posting imposter? The good news is that I've seen you posing for a million photos on Facebook, so I should be able to tell if it's really you posing as you.

     I type into the Marketplace search box that I want to find a Milwaukee Sawzall for my wife, no farther than 10 miles away from me. Why do I think my wife would like a Milwaukee Sawzall? Why don't you let me worry about that. And presto, through the magic of modern technology, I'm bombarded with pages and pages of items that my wife would enjoy even less than a Sawzall, available only in Milwaukee. 

    Well I must say, ordering online has been a time saver! If you found this article helpful, please hit the "like" button below. But I assure you, I'm much more likeable in person. Have a great holiday, and many happy returns!

SWEPT UP IN THE YULETIDE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-12-24)

     Somewhere during the months before Halloween, when all the creatures were still stirring, even the mice, it was WAY too soon to start thinking about Christmas. This was the prevailing thinking right up until the day after Thanksgiving. And look at us now: in COMPLETE PANIC, because Christmas is RIGHT around the corner! I've gone so far as to put in a call to a contractor and architect, to see if we can't lengthen the corner. 

     I wouldn't mind if the holiday season felt more like it used to: fun and gay. Now, if something seems fun and gay, I have to check to see if I'm keeping any secrets from myself. The question is, has Christmas lost its mojo? We used to have a real Christmas tree, back when it was still fashionable to have fir. Now we have a cat. We discovered that you can't have both. I know what you're going to say: you can't decorate a cat. But on the other hand, if a Christmas tree crawls onto your lap you're going to get pine needles down your pants.

     I'm weary of the crass commercialism, companies trying to sell me things, and I wonder if we shouldn't be concentrating on the true meaning of the holiday. Do you remember "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on TV?. Snoopy decorates his doghouse with neon lights (which I thought looked kind of cool), and Charlie Brown is charged with getting a Christmas tree, and he comes up with this threadbare, scruffy sapling, but then, once everyone finds the deeper spirit of Christmas, it transforms into this bushy, dazzling super-shrub. By the way this joyful classic is available to every kid who wants to see a wonderful story, and happens to subscribe to Apple+ streaming service.

     I don't think I should be made to feel guilty just because I didn't give you as good a gift as you gave me. And consequently, you shouldn't feel bad if you got me frankincense when someone else got me actual GOLD. Some would even say that it's tacky to give money instead of a gift, although I've never heard that said about GOLD. If you got me myrrh, well that's going to be a separate conversation.

     At our house we still put gifts in our stockings. Which were basically socks- it's not like you'd go around stuffing toys into women's lingerie. Go get your own column if you want to do that. And send me a copy. I have a huge stocking (because it's my birthday) that was knitted by my Mother's cousin or something, and it has pictures of ornaments and sequins and such, and my name  knitted right into it. All six of us kids had our own. Can you imagine anyone doing that today? The tradition itself is a little strange, because what ever became of the other stocking? There are two feet on most people; it's not easy to miscount, although the lone sock syndrome is a real thing.

     Wouldn't it be fun to read Moore's classic poem, “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” better known as “'Twas The Night Before Christmas” to your kids? You're going to have to stop here and there to explain things. "Sugar plums, Dad? What are those?" "Well, Son, they were like Twinkies back then." "Twinkies, Dad? What are those?" "Don't worry about it, just keep listening, it gets better. Anyway, 'I tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.'" "Ew, Dad, gross." "All right, all right. 'As I was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.'" "Gee, Dad, Santa's going to have a lot of laughs coming in through that energy efficient heat pump we installed last year."

     Speaking of Santa, I read that the North Pole has shifted 30 feet toward Russia in the past few decades, so if you asked for a new wardrobe for Christmas, you may find yourself with Russian dressing. It's all good, because the elves are now working hybrid, in a four-day week. We don't call them elves anymore anyway, they're referred to now as "low altitude-dwelling independent contractors," and they know how to code.

     There are so many things about the Christmas I knew growing up that simply aren't around anymore. Maybe that's disappointing, but maybe it's just a chance for us to think up some new traditions, and maybe they'll keep Christmas relevant. 

     I'm going to throw some ideas out there and see how they fly. What about, instead of stockings, which hold only a few small gifts, we try a larger form of apparel, like a pair of pants would be perfect to hold a new pair of skis for someone, say, whose birthday is on Christmas, in case I didn't mention that. Also, candy canes are not a treat worthy of a major holiday. Let's find something that doesn't taste so much like toothpaste. Let's invest in new technologies, not necessarily to save the world, but simply to discover a string of Christmas lights that doesn't fail when one bulb burns out.

     Well, Christmas, I guess I've had a little fun with you after all. I suppose it's not what you do on Christmas, but whom you do it with. So find yourself someone you love and read something, listen to something, watch something, but do it together. And if you roast chestnuts on an open fire, please do so in a well-ventilated room with a fire extinguisher close at hand, and void where prohibited.

     Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah and a healthy new year!