SWEPT UP IN THE YULETIDE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-12-24)

     Somewhere during the months before Halloween, when all the creatures were still stirring, even the mice, it was WAY too soon to start thinking about Christmas. This was the prevailing thinking right up until the day after Thanksgiving. And look at us now: in COMPLETE PANIC, because Christmas is RIGHT around the corner! I've gone so far as to put in a call to a contractor and architect, to see if we can't lengthen the corner. 

     I wouldn't mind if the holiday season felt more like it used to: fun and gay. Now, if something seems fun and gay, I have to check to see if I'm keeping any secrets from myself. The question is, has Christmas lost its mojo? We used to have a real Christmas tree, back when it was still fashionable to have fir. Now we have a cat. We discovered that you can't have both. I know what you're going to say: you can't decorate a cat. But on the other hand, if a Christmas tree crawls onto your lap you're going to get pine needles down your pants.

     I'm weary of the crass commercialism, companies trying to sell me things, and I wonder if we shouldn't be concentrating on the true meaning of the holiday. Do you remember "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on TV?. Snoopy decorates his doghouse with neon lights (which I thought looked kind of cool), and Charlie Brown is charged with getting a Christmas tree, and he comes up with this threadbare, scruffy sapling, but then, once everyone finds the deeper spirit of Christmas, it transforms into this bushy, dazzling super-shrub. By the way this joyful classic is available to every kid who wants to see a wonderful story, and happens to subscribe to Apple+ streaming service.

     I don't think I should be made to feel guilty just because I didn't give you as good a gift as you gave me. And consequently, you shouldn't feel bad if you got me frankincense when someone else got me actual GOLD. Some would even say that it's tacky to give money instead of a gift, although I've never heard that said about GOLD. If you got me myrrh, well that's going to be a separate conversation.

     At our house we still put gifts in our stockings. Which were basically socks- it's not like you'd go around stuffing toys into women's lingerie. Go get your own column if you want to do that. And send me a copy. I have a huge stocking (because it's my birthday) that was knitted by my Mother's cousin or something, and it has pictures of ornaments and sequins and such, and my name  knitted right into it. All six of us kids had our own. Can you imagine anyone doing that today? The tradition itself is a little strange, because what ever became of the other stocking? There are two feet on most people; it's not easy to miscount, although the lone sock syndrome is a real thing.

     Wouldn't it be fun to read Moore's classic poem, “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” better known as “'Twas The Night Before Christmas” to your kids? You're going to have to stop here and there to explain things. "Sugar plums, Dad? What are those?" "Well, Son, they were like Twinkies back then." "Twinkies, Dad? What are those?" "Don't worry about it, just keep listening, it gets better. Anyway, 'I tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.'" "Ew, Dad, gross." "All right, all right. 'As I was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.'" "Gee, Dad, Santa's going to have a lot of laughs coming in through that energy efficient heat pump we installed last year."

     Speaking of Santa, I read that the North Pole has shifted 30 feet toward Russia in the past few decades, so if you asked for a new wardrobe for Christmas, you may find yourself with Russian dressing. It's all good, because the elves are now working hybrid, in a four-day week. We don't call them elves anymore anyway, they're referred to now as "low altitude-dwelling independent contractors," and they know how to code.

     There are so many things about the Christmas I knew growing up that simply aren't around anymore. Maybe that's disappointing, but maybe it's just a chance for us to think up some new traditions, and maybe they'll keep Christmas relevant. 

     I'm going to throw some ideas out there and see how they fly. What about, instead of stockings, which hold only a few small gifts, we try a larger form of apparel, like a pair of pants would be perfect to hold a new pair of skis for someone, say, whose birthday is on Christmas, in case I didn't mention that. Also, candy canes are not a treat worthy of a major holiday. Let's find something that doesn't taste so much like toothpaste. Let's invest in new technologies, not necessarily to save the world, but simply to discover a string of Christmas lights that doesn't fail when one bulb burns out.

     Well, Christmas, I guess I've had a little fun with you after all. I suppose it's not what you do on Christmas, but whom you do it with. So find yourself someone you love and read something, listen to something, watch something, but do it together. And if you roast chestnuts on an open fire, please do so in a well-ventilated room with a fire extinguisher close at hand, and void where prohibited.

     Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah and a healthy new year!