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Wednesday, July 1, 2009



So many big players are passing on one after another that it’s impossible for any one of them to enjoy more than a few moments in the spotlight. First it was Ed McMahon, and hearing Johnny Carson and Fred DeCordova weigh in on his life and career was truly amazing, since they are both dead also. Somewhere after McMahon was given credit for Brittney Spears’ success, but right before they got to coverage of the “Alpo years,” Farrah Fawcett died. So the media quickly switched gears, and Ed was left in the dust. We relived Farrah’s breakthrough as a Charlie’s Angel, her iconic poster, and her switch to meaty roles in television and theater where she sought to prove she was more than just a “dumb blonde.” Right before we got to discussing her Letterman appearance, where she sought to prove she was nothing more than a “dumb blonde,” Michael Jackson died. This was certainly expected, since the life expectancy of someone without a working nose is exactly 50 years. But poor Farrah was deprived of a proper remembrance- she was mourned for exactly one morning. We were able to get in enough Michael Jackson coverage to become fully sick of his music once again… Once we covered what an influential artist he was, and just started to get into what a weird person he was, an even LARGER icon left us. Billy Mays has been personally credited with advancing such modern marvels as OxiClean, Kaboom and Mighty Putty. He has also been proven responsible for the invention of a button on post- 2008 television remote controls that mutes the volume by 50 percent. Mays was fondly remembered by his arch-rival, the “Shamwow guy.” After reliving some of his early ads, we were about to revisit some of his meatier roles where he proved he was more than just a “dumb blonde,” when lo and behold, Fred Travalena dies. He was possibly imitating Michael Jackson and Billy Mays at the time of death. Now I think it’s safe to go back to talking about Ed McMahon.

Incidentally, Ms. Fawcett’s real first name was not Farrah; that name was made up by Farrah herself. Her real first name was Ferrah. That name was made up by her mother.


Last weekend the Yankees outscored the Mets 33-3 in the last four games, most of the runs coming on defensive indifference. Even though I am a Yankee fan, I started actually feeling sorry for the Mets. Manuel, the manager, made frequent visits to the mound, sometimes bearing flowers or small gifts, trying to talk the Mets pitching staff down from the ledge. I am not a lip-reader, but at one point I even thought I saw him mouth the words, “Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason…”

It will be nice to watch baseball again without pitchers trying to hit. Every time a Yankee pitcher came to bat it was a goofy adventure. When a professional player is at bat, and other players are peering out of the dugout snickering at him, you know that sports is not being played at its highest level. Here is a guide to broadcasters’ accounts of interleague pitchers trying to hit:

“He had quite a hack at that one…” TRANSLATION: “He struck out with his bat flailing like a cow’s tail at a bee.”

“He really got good wood on that one…” TRANSLATION: “His grounder barely made it to the infielder, who had time to check his emails before throwing him out.”

“Wow, that was a great effort trying to sacrifice bunt…” TRANSLATION: He bunted foul with two strikes and is therefore out.

Incidentally, AL pitchers in 2008 batted .114, with more sacrifices than the Aztec Empire.

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