ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-05-26)
The human body is either the most amazing miracle in the natural world, or the most ill-designed piece of machinery since the electric hairbrush, which my Dad bought for my sisters back in the 70s and it pulled most of their hair out on the very first try. Is there anyone you know who doesn't have a bad back? It should come with an extended warranty. A bad back is a great reason to at least make sure your front is in good working order.
And let's discuss cartilage, because there seems to be not one ounce of this important tissue left anywhere in my body. Where did it all go? I have no idea, but it's like running out of mayonnaise at a barbecue, only not quite as serious.
I went to the orthopedist to ask him about the pain in my wrist, which has such a wide arthritic chasm that when we looked at the X-ray he likened it to the Colorado River carving out the Grand Canyon. He said there was nothing much he could do about it. I said, I know, it's been there for thousands of years. But what about my wrist? It doesn't even seem like such a complicated joint- what does a wrist need to actually do? Wave once in a while? Its basic function is to keep your hand from riding up your coat sleeve.
And now I had my hip replaced a couple weeks ago. I couldn't walk a quarter mile without complaint. The complaints were mostly about me from other people, but that didn't make my hip hurt any less. At first it was just a dull throb now and then. Soon, the throb was back but the "then" was gone. So I Googled "dull pain," and gradually narrowed my search by asking myself some questions. Where exactly does it hurt? Mostly in my car. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it? Well, when it's a 9, it feels like more than 3 times the times when it's a 3, if that makes sense. Is the pain tingling, stinging or lingering? All three: It's stlingering. Does the pain happen at certain times of day? Yes, but at least when we turns the clocks ahead it doesn't hurt for that hour.
Then there was a frank discussion in the orthopedic surgeon's office. He walks me through the procedure, but slowly, because my hip hurts. Afterwards I had questions. "Doctor, what will you be replacing the hip WITH?" "Another hip, even though that seems like the very definition of insanity." "When will I be able to play competitive tennis again?" "Well, from what I hear, no match you've ever played has been competitive." "What about a triathlon?" "You can run one leg of it." "How much will the procedure cost?" "It will probably cost an arm and a leg, and in this case we will actually be holding the collateral. Just kidding." "Doctor, why do I not care at all about 'Stranger Things?'" "Hmmm. That sounds serious and you might need to go out of network for that."
It seems like even other animals are better appointed than humans are. Take the sea cucumber, if you will, and if you did I'd be very surprised. The sea cucumber can change at will into liquid form and pour itself into a crevice to escape predators. Imagine if you could do the same thing during an IRS audit, and when the conversation rolls around your charitable contributions, you simply change yourself into liquid form and splash yourself into a martini until the whole thing blows over, and enjoy yourself over lunch.
A cow has essentially four stomachs. If humans were built the same way I could reserve one stomach just for my sister's meatloaf. The arctic hare can change color between seasons to blend in with its surroundings. Wouldn't it be fun to blend into your surroundings so you could listen in to what people say about you behind your back, only to find out that your name hasn't come up once? Did you know that an earthworm has five hearts? It explains why they lead such complicated romantic lives. An octopus has eight pusses, so there's that.
My dog breeder, through careful selection, has effectively "bred out" the incidence of hip dysplasia in her dogs. Why can't this be done in humans? Let's compile a database of potential mates that never had osteoarthritis, and date exclusively from that pool. In a couple generations, your family will be swimming in cartilage. You'll be selling it back to the grid! If my idea works, we can expand the principle, and over time we can effectively eradicate multiple personalities, the lack of personality, and people who say "Oh, snap." I believe that one day we will be able to eat Tide Pods if we want, although please, not with red wine.
And now I'm resting comfortably at home following my surgery, which translated, means I couldn't be less comfortable. I've been walking a million laps around my basement for the last week using a walker. And If I have a perfectly good walker, why do I have to do the walking?
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