ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-15-26)
Some people complain that they have no reliable source for important news. The following article will prove that they DO an unreliable source for unimportant news, which is even un-better. Here are the top stories of 2025:
LABUBU BALLOON DEBUTS AT PARADE
A stuffed plush toy from China named Labubu became so popular last year that it had its own 16-foot inflatable at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The misbehaving mini-monster is now ALL the rage, supplanting the Chase 'N Go Ball Popper, which is now only SOME the rage and hopefully less painful than the name suggests. What exactly is a Labubu? It has fur, sharp teeth, is sometimes cute and gets into all kinds of mischief. Well, you're thinking, same goes for my cat. Yes, but the Labubu will not throw up on your newspaper, so I would be worried if I was a cat. I'm not sure what "Labubu" means in Chinese, but in French it means "The bubu."
SCIENTISTS MAKE DISCOVERY STUDYING MICROSCOPIC ANIMAL DROPPINGS
Researchers at Dartmouth College have found that coating the surface of an algae bloom with clay dust greatly increases the amount of carbon ingested by microscopic zooplankton who then defecate the material far below water's surface. The hope is that these micro-poops could thereby reduce the introduction of carbon into the atmosphere. A microscopic zooplankton, reached for comment said, "THIS is what scientists are doing? Following us around with a microscope while we do our business?" The discovery also proves that carbon footprints are not always made with one's feet.
SWAN BLOCKS TRAIN, CAUSES CANCELLATIONS
Train service to and from Glasgow Central Station was disrupted for several hours due to a swan wandering onto the tracks. It only illustrates what I've been saying all along: It's become SO annoying to fly that even birds would rather just find another way to get there. Apparently this is not the first time it has happened, and since the swan is a protected species, railway workers have undergone special training to remove them. Swans can be aggressive when threatened, so they must be handled with care. Approach the waterfowl slowly, keeping it low to the ground, covering it with blanket if necessary. Idle threats and insults should be avoided, especially referring to its beak as a "pecker."
“CROCODILE” SON WINS DANCE SHOW
Late television star Steve Irwin's son Robert hoofed his way to reality show victory ON "Dancing with the Stars" last year. His animal-advocate gene pool suggests an unfair edge, with advanced knowledge of the "bunny hop," the "funky chicken," the "duckwalk" and the "mouse." Steve Irwin is remembered as a beloved naturalist who was mortally attacked by a poisonous sea creature. I also know what it's like to heroically face the dangers of the natural world, having once survived an altercation with a cactus in which the cactus won.
KATY PERRY IS LAUNCHED INTO SPACE
Pop icon Katy Perry hobnobbed with actual celestial stars when she joined a flight that ascended above the Earth's atmosphere for eleven minutes, coincidentally the same amount of time it takes me to throw up in a spacecraft 27 times. Afterwards, when she referred to herself as an "astronaut," I was diplomatic enough not to suggest that the title of "space cadet" may have been more appropriate. By the way, why hasn't anyone thought to launch Miss Universe into space, just to make absolutely sure that she is the prettiest in the entire galaxy?
WOMEN SPEAK 3,000 MORE WORDS THAN MEN
Findings from a University of Arizona study found that women between the ages of 25 and 65 speak an average of 3,000 more words a day than men. Deeper analysis will probably show that most of those 3,000 words are the same ones, such as "idiot," "salad," "hormones," "DUH," "there's no way I'm wearing that" and "can I PLEASE just get 1,000 words in edgewise?" Another theory is that men are physically unable to talk while eating something off a woman's plate that she was within inches of stabbing with her fork.
PLANE CRASH-LANDS ON TOP OF TOYOTA
A small Beechcraft plane attempted an emergency landing in Florida, atop a car traveling on I-95. All participants in the crash escaped with only minor injuries, and the occupants of the plane even received their luggage faster than usual. It all sounds like an amazing stunt that Tom Cruise could do in his sleep, which is certainly the best time to attempt it. I do all my own stunts, too, like the time I bicycled down a set of steps by mistake at a park in Germany (true), and went hintenplatz at the bottom, on my bottom.
UNIVERSITY STUDENTS FAIL AT BASIC MATH
A new report from UCSD has revealed that the number of students placing below first-year algebra has tripled over the past five years. Tripled means, got to third on a base hit, although I think there's also a mathematics definition for it. That puts these collegians at less than an 8th grade level, and at risk of being grounded for two weeks by their parents. The last thing I remember passing in math was a test on the multiplication tables, which technically is pre-calculus. I was pretty good at English and pretty bad at math, which meant that I couldn't put two and two together, but at least I could read the writing on the wall.
Happy new year, everyone, and stay happy, healthy and well-informed!
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