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Friday, June 26, 2015



Somers Central School District had a budget vote last week, and I realized that I know very little about the whole process. I can't even budget my time correctly since I always overpay for it. Is there a campaigning process where one budget goes on television and trashes another budget while depressing piano music plays? What makes a bunch of numbers qualified to be my budget? Where does this budget stand on gay marriage? Can I propose my own budget as a write-in candidate?

I don't have any kids that I know of, but I can be kind of forgetful. Even if I did have children they would have graduated high school by now. If they haven't then they are definitely mine. Even without kids I pay quite a bit for the education of our youth in the form of taxes, thank you very much. So when I went to the drugstore to pick up something that might help my lousy memory and saw a high school kid at the check-out counter, I knew what I should do.

I forgot what I came in for, so I decided to get something for my lack of energy, and found what I needed in the candy aisle: a "Family Size" Kit Kat bar that was about 18 inches long. Since I have no kids and my wife would only eat it if it was in a salad, it seemed like the perfect size.

I decided to hit the kid at the register with a pop quiz as he rang me up, to see if my tax dollars were being spent wisely. I asked, "If I bought eight of these Kit Kat bars, gave one of them away (this is hypothetical), and ate four of them, what would I be left with?" "Uhhh, diabetes?" He replied. "What is the square root of 1100?" I queried. He said what sounded like "I don't know," as if it were one word. I said, "Are you aware that 'I don't know' is at least two words?" He said, "What?" That's an old trick, and I called him on it: "When you say 'What?' you've heard me just fine, and you're trying to buy time to think of an answer."

Then he said, "Huh?" So I figured he might not actually speak English. I consider myself a multi-linguist, since I am learning Swedish for my vacation, and I also speak the international language of love. "Ursäkta mig, var inns toaletten?" I asked, but he didn't know where the ladies' room was. "Do you have a rewards card?" He asked, trying to turn the tables on me. "If you get one today I can take a third off your purchase." Once I filled out the paperwork he took a bite out of my candy bar equal to exactly 33%.

Anyway, I did some looking into the Somers school budget and found some proposed capitol expenditures, and I have some ideas that could save us all some money. Such as this new carpeting they are planning to buy. My idea is to put in a red carpet, which could pay for itself by advertising on one of those shows where they dish on all the fashions:

"Look! Here comes Dina! Dina, who will you be wearing to 3rd period today?"
"I'm going to be wearing Dolce. I couldn't afford both Dolce AND Gabbana. I'm also going to be wearing this Versace band-aid to detention later."
"Fabulissimo! And wow! Allison, you look stunning! What do you call this look?"
"It's my gym uniform."

I see they also want to be put new turf on the High School football field. Is this necessary? When I was a kid I fell off the jungle gym on a blacktop playground right onto my head, and I did a little better in math after that.

They are also planning to build a Security vestibule. I don't know about you, but the word "vestibule" does not sound like something that could thwart any type of criminal behavior, so maybe we should re-think that.

They want to resurface the track at the High School. Every time I look over there, there are people running on it- so I would suggest that they find someplace else to run, and that way we can squeeze a little more life out of it.

Well, I think I have some great ideas here, and I tried to persuade the School Board into them, but I couldn't budget.


  1. "To be, or not to be..."
    Let's agree to remove the extraneous existential diminutive verb from this howler of a phrase "want to be put new turf". If you're not going to proofread your work then why should I bother to peek in on your blog once every two years? That was a rhetorical question, there is no sane answer. Or, should I say "there is be no sane answer?" See? Utterly annoying, isn't it? You had better shape up before I return in 2017.

  2. Holy crap now I have to leave the typo in so your comment makes sense be