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Monday, July 6, 2015



I read an interesting story in Forbes Magazine that reports that the Chili's Restaurant chain is spending big money to make its food more photogenic. The idea is that people now routinely take pictures of their orders at restaurants and share them on social media. This is a phenomenon that is becoming more and more common as people attend events not for their inherent value, but to show off to others what a good time they are having without them. And by the way, if you are having a good time with your food at a restaurant, I want you to imagine what BETTER time you would be having if me and MY food were there.

Anyway, Chili's reportedly spent almost a million dollars for an egg wash that makes their buns glisten. Or was it the other way around? Certainly an egg wash for their eggs would be a great idea also. They are going to serve their fries in stainless steel containers. I guess the regular containers had stains on them. There is a Chili's at the Somers Commons, and I would love for you to email me a photo of you with your shiny buns, for the purposes of comprehensive journalism, of course.

So people are snapping photos while they are snapping up dinner. This all begs the question: Does this burrito make me look fat? The answer is: yes, eventually, and you didn't even have to beg the answer.

Can you invite your own food onto your Facebook page? Can you email your smoked quail? Can you hashtag your hash browns? Can you Instagram your glazed ham? Can you tweet your meat? I'd like that last sentence stricken from the Record, I'm not sure why.

I'm not sure I want to "friend" my French fries just yet. I consider some foods "frenemies," depending on the ingredients and calorie count. If you photograph that steak with a macro lens you can see the actual LDLs lining up to get a crack at you.

If my food is going modelling, it's going to have to ramp up its game. Extensive hair and makeup for both of us- assuming that my food has hair in it. What is my side order's best side? My porkchop is looking a little porky these days- time to hit the gym! This salad- can you BELIEVE the way it's dressing? That meatloaf is going to need some liposuction- LOOK AT YOURSELF!

We're going to need to bring in a lighting director, a stylist and a set decorator. WHERE IS THE STUNT BURGER?

I am not on social media, for obvious reasons, but if I was, I would clog up the internet with photos of me and my food, and leave it to you to discern which is me and which is the food. Here is a picture of me with a blackened whitefish. Here is a shot of me with a whitened blackfish. Here is a black & blue redfish, I had to rough it up a bit. Here is one of me and a pig with an apple in its mouth. Just before this pig was killed and roasted, he tweeted a picture of himself with this great apple that he was just about to eat.

At some point the food is just going to start communicating with each other, and cut us out of the loop. That is just the natural progression of things. Entrepreneurs will step into the fray. There will be Fritter Twitter, and there will be Snackchat. And when that happens, get ready, because our food will be revolting.

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