SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-07-16)
Every year around this time, the media always rolls out a list of "those we lost" this year. What better way to ring in the New Year than a big, fat buzz-kill? "This year, as in most others, we lost beloved actor Abe Vigoda, whose storied career lasted many years after his death." Well I'm not going to tell who died in 2015, at least until their next-of-kin have been notified. So it will have to be a surprise.
Instead, I'm going to concentrate on the "hard news" stories, culled from the front pages of my internet browser. "Hard news" to me means items that are "hard" to believe that somebody thought they were "news." So many dumb things happened in 2015 that I'm going to do this in two parts, and I urge you to look these stories up on the internet if you don't trust me.
1. BREAST FEEDING MAY INCREASE A BABY'S INTELLIGENCE
This story is fascinating not because it might be true, but because I wonder how anyone would find out if it's true. The field of baby testing is still in its infancy. And by the way, babies aren't all that bright to begin with, no offense, so I think it might also be proven that waiting around 10 or 15 minutes will also increase a baby's intelligence.
2. BO BERGDAHL CHARGED WITH MISBEHAVIOR BEFORE THE ENEMY
The charges surrounding Sgt. Bo Bergdahl represent a serious situation, so I won't comment on that. My issue is with the formal charge of "misbehavior before the enemy," which kind of sounds like he didn't clean his room. But if you're going to not clean your room, better to do it before the enemy does it and steals all your thunder.
3. LADY POLE DANCES WITH BABY ON HER BACK
I have no idea what this lady does for a living, but "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" should only be taken so far. Incidentally I also found this story under: "Baby Pole Dances With Woman on her Front."
4. FACE OF JESUS APPEARS ON A LANDSLIDE
Many people thought that Jesus was seen as an apparition in a Colombian landslide last year. They assumed it was Jesus, but when I saw it I thought it looked more like Matthew Mcconaughey, which is also a miracle, since he is hard to get a hold of these days. If it was, it proves once again that Jesus wins in a landslide.
5. LEANN RIMES SETS OFF FIRE ALARM
Last year LeAnn Rimes triggered a fire alarm by using spray-on shampoo on an airplane. First of all, I would think that there are easier ways to shampoo an airplane, and second, I wouldn't go on any aircraft that thinks LeAnn Rimes is so hot that she could spontaneously combust. And now, thanks to LeAnn Rimes, you can't get on a plane with fireworks, gunpowder or LeAnn Rimes.
6. SWORDFISH KILLS MAN TRYING TO CATCH IT
Before I read this story I assumed that the swordfish had shot the fisherman in self-defense, and certainly would be justified in doing so. But it turns out that the feisty fish was simply sticking its nose where it didn't belong.
I'll be back next week with some more of the kind of in-depth reporting you have come to expect.
Every year around this time, the media always rolls out a list of "those we lost" this year. What better way to ring in the New Year than a big, fat buzz-kill? "This year, as in most others, we lost beloved actor Abe Vigoda, whose storied career lasted many years after his death." Well I'm not going to tell who died in 2015, at least until their next-of-kin have been notified. So it will have to be a surprise.
Instead, I'm going to concentrate on the "hard news" stories, culled from the front pages of my internet browser. "Hard news" to me means items that are "hard" to believe that somebody thought they were "news." So many dumb things happened in 2015 that I'm going to do this in two parts, and I urge you to look these stories up on the internet if you don't trust me.
1. BREAST FEEDING MAY INCREASE A BABY'S INTELLIGENCE
This story is fascinating not because it might be true, but because I wonder how anyone would find out if it's true. The field of baby testing is still in its infancy. And by the way, babies aren't all that bright to begin with, no offense, so I think it might also be proven that waiting around 10 or 15 minutes will also increase a baby's intelligence.
2. BO BERGDAHL CHARGED WITH MISBEHAVIOR BEFORE THE ENEMY
The charges surrounding Sgt. Bo Bergdahl represent a serious situation, so I won't comment on that. My issue is with the formal charge of "misbehavior before the enemy," which kind of sounds like he didn't clean his room. But if you're going to not clean your room, better to do it before the enemy does it and steals all your thunder.
3. LADY POLE DANCES WITH BABY ON HER BACK
I have no idea what this lady does for a living, but "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" should only be taken so far. Incidentally I also found this story under: "Baby Pole Dances With Woman on her Front."
4. FACE OF JESUS APPEARS ON A LANDSLIDE
Many people thought that Jesus was seen as an apparition in a Colombian landslide last year. They assumed it was Jesus, but when I saw it I thought it looked more like Matthew Mcconaughey, which is also a miracle, since he is hard to get a hold of these days. If it was, it proves once again that Jesus wins in a landslide.
5. LEANN RIMES SETS OFF FIRE ALARM
Last year LeAnn Rimes triggered a fire alarm by using spray-on shampoo on an airplane. First of all, I would think that there are easier ways to shampoo an airplane, and second, I wouldn't go on any aircraft that thinks LeAnn Rimes is so hot that she could spontaneously combust. And now, thanks to LeAnn Rimes, you can't get on a plane with fireworks, gunpowder or LeAnn Rimes.
6. SWORDFISH KILLS MAN TRYING TO CATCH IT
Before I read this story I assumed that the swordfish had shot the fisherman in self-defense, and certainly would be justified in doing so. But it turns out that the feisty fish was simply sticking its nose where it didn't belong.
I'll be back next week with some more of the kind of in-depth reporting you have come to expect.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment