SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-14-16)
In this column we will continue to explore the major news stories that defined 2015. We are digging a little deeper than the usual media outlets do, and the results will either speak for themselves, or we will hit a water pipe and get sued.
1. JUPITER ALIGNS WITH VENUS
In July, the two brightest planets in the solar system appeared to the eye to be on the same plane in the sky. If Jupiter had aligned with Mars, peace would have guided the planets, and love would have steered the stars. Instead, we have Donald Trump, which is usually a sign that Jupiter has aligned with Uranus.
2. CANADIAN SMUGGLER WITH TURTLES IN PANTS PLEADS GUILTY
He was apparently bringing them to China, where they could be sold for a much greater price, after ordering them online. I'm not sure what he ordered them to do when he was online, but turtles rarely do anything they are told. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that when the customs agent approached him and asked, "Is that a turtle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" his answer was a lie.
3. CATS REACT TO CAT MUSIC AT A CAT CAFE IN NEW YORK CITY
It's weird enough that cats have their own cafe. I like to believe that we live in an integrated society, where if I want to drink out of a cat bowl, no one should question it unless I slurp it all over the floor. Anyway, a lecturer at the University of Maryland with too much time on his hands created music that he thought would be appealing to cats. When it was played in this cat cafe, some cats, and some humans, started to attempt to lick themselves, which many interpreted as enjoyment. The one thing cats and humans have in common is that they both think that "death metal" music sounds like a bunch of cats getting busy.
4. LINDSAY LOHAN BOTCHES ARABIC PHRASE CALLS PEOPLE AN ASS
This year Lindsey Lohan, in a misguided frenzy of good will, decided to tweet out a message in Arabic that she thought meant, "You're beautiful," but actually translated to read, "You're a donkey." It should be pointed out that not one donkey complained about the tweet and thought it was nice of her to think of them. However, it does remind one to check thoroughly into the translation of your Chinese tattoo before leaving it up to the artist, so that you don't wear something on your arm that says in Mandarin: "I have a turtle in my underpants."
5. TEEN FALLS OFF SCENIC CLIFF, GETS BITTEN BY SNAKE AND SURVIVES
Not only did this British boy tumble off a seaside precipice and get bitten by an adder, but the tide came in and he would have been swept out to sea had he and his brother not acted quickly. After he was rescued everyone told him how lucky he was, but to me, lucky would have been when he looked over the ledge and said, "Holy crap there's a poisonous-looking snake down there- let's get the hell out of here!"
6. WOMAN BEATS DWI CHARGE BECAUSE HER BODY IS A ‘BREWERY’
A woman was stopped by police in New York after driving eratically, and subsequently blew a .33 BAC into a Breathalyzer. She was acquitted of DWI because of a condition known as "Auto-Brewery Syndrome," which causes the body to produce alcohol. I wanted to find out if this was really true, so I tapped her on the shoulder, and it was true. Incidentally, she sometimes double-dates with a gal who's body is a "pizza parlor."
7. TRUCK CARRYING BEES OVERTURNS
In May, a tractor-trailer carrying an estimated 16 to 20 million honeybees overturned in Delaware, releasing them all in a huge swarm. They went on a rampage and among other things, cross-pollinated a Mazda with a Nissan and a Cadillac, resulting in a Maniac. They sprayed water on the bees, which made them wet. The rest they apprehended in a sting operation.
So those are the important stories that you need to know, but dumb things have already started happening in 2016. If you hear of any, please let me know.
In this column we will continue to explore the major news stories that defined 2015. We are digging a little deeper than the usual media outlets do, and the results will either speak for themselves, or we will hit a water pipe and get sued.
1. JUPITER ALIGNS WITH VENUS
In July, the two brightest planets in the solar system appeared to the eye to be on the same plane in the sky. If Jupiter had aligned with Mars, peace would have guided the planets, and love would have steered the stars. Instead, we have Donald Trump, which is usually a sign that Jupiter has aligned with Uranus.
2. CANADIAN SMUGGLER WITH TURTLES IN PANTS PLEADS GUILTY
He was apparently bringing them to China, where they could be sold for a much greater price, after ordering them online. I'm not sure what he ordered them to do when he was online, but turtles rarely do anything they are told. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that when the customs agent approached him and asked, "Is that a turtle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" his answer was a lie.
3. CATS REACT TO CAT MUSIC AT A CAT CAFE IN NEW YORK CITY
It's weird enough that cats have their own cafe. I like to believe that we live in an integrated society, where if I want to drink out of a cat bowl, no one should question it unless I slurp it all over the floor. Anyway, a lecturer at the University of Maryland with too much time on his hands created music that he thought would be appealing to cats. When it was played in this cat cafe, some cats, and some humans, started to attempt to lick themselves, which many interpreted as enjoyment. The one thing cats and humans have in common is that they both think that "death metal" music sounds like a bunch of cats getting busy.
4. LINDSAY LOHAN BOTCHES ARABIC PHRASE CALLS PEOPLE AN ASS
This year Lindsey Lohan, in a misguided frenzy of good will, decided to tweet out a message in Arabic that she thought meant, "You're beautiful," but actually translated to read, "You're a donkey." It should be pointed out that not one donkey complained about the tweet and thought it was nice of her to think of them. However, it does remind one to check thoroughly into the translation of your Chinese tattoo before leaving it up to the artist, so that you don't wear something on your arm that says in Mandarin: "I have a turtle in my underpants."
5. TEEN FALLS OFF SCENIC CLIFF, GETS BITTEN BY SNAKE AND SURVIVES
Not only did this British boy tumble off a seaside precipice and get bitten by an adder, but the tide came in and he would have been swept out to sea had he and his brother not acted quickly. After he was rescued everyone told him how lucky he was, but to me, lucky would have been when he looked over the ledge and said, "Holy crap there's a poisonous-looking snake down there- let's get the hell out of here!"
6. WOMAN BEATS DWI CHARGE BECAUSE HER BODY IS A ‘BREWERY’
A woman was stopped by police in New York after driving eratically, and subsequently blew a .33 BAC into a Breathalyzer. She was acquitted of DWI because of a condition known as "Auto-Brewery Syndrome," which causes the body to produce alcohol. I wanted to find out if this was really true, so I tapped her on the shoulder, and it was true. Incidentally, she sometimes double-dates with a gal who's body is a "pizza parlor."
7. TRUCK CARRYING BEES OVERTURNS
In May, a tractor-trailer carrying an estimated 16 to 20 million honeybees overturned in Delaware, releasing them all in a huge swarm. They went on a rampage and among other things, cross-pollinated a Mazda with a Nissan and a Cadillac, resulting in a Maniac. They sprayed water on the bees, which made them wet. The rest they apprehended in a sting operation.
So those are the important stories that you need to know, but dumb things have already started happening in 2016. If you hear of any, please let me know.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment