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Friday, April 15, 2016



     President's Day has come and gone, and I'm embarrassed to say, I barely noticed, since I didn't need a new car. America commemorates its important historical figures as always, by seeing how much they can grease the wheels of commerce. And this year, once again, it was proven that Abraham Lincoln can sell more Lincolns than Gerald Ford can sell Fords.

     President's Day used to be called Washington's Birthday, and fell on February 22nd. Then somebody pointed out that he may have been born on February 11th, since the Julian calendar was used when he was born, back in England. The Julian calendar was introduced by Julius Caesar, as a way to skip over all the boring holidays and get right to the ones that involve candy.

     Then Abraham Lincoln came along and threw a monkey wrench into the proceedings by freeing all the slaves and reuniting the country. His birthday was on February 12th, and so we compromise by throwing a party when it's NOBODY's birthday, this year on February 15th. They changed the holiday to President's Day, since some other presidents also celebrate birthdays during the year.

     So that leaves it pretty much up to you to decide which president you would like to celebrate on President's Day. Maybe you would extol President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who once said, "The world is more like it is now then it ever has before." Or what about Warren G. Harding, who once admitted, "I don't seem to grasp that I am president." Perhaps George H.W. Bush is your cup of tea. He once theorized that "if a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground." No one had the heart to ask him what would happen if a frog had a tail.

    These days, President's Day is just an excuse for car dealerships to have a "sales event." No one wants to get caught selling a motorized vehicle during something that isn't an "event," so expect some excitement if you are car shopping.

"So, are we looking for a car today?"
"No, I just wanted to be part of an event. This just looks like a car dealership showroom, not an event."
"What do you call that over there?"
"That is a red balloon."
"The idiots from Hyundai snatched up all the blue and white ones, even though their cars are Japanese. Now we just look like communists. But look over there- it's a picture of George Washington!"
"It's wallet-sized. Tell you what, if I can eat most of that candy over there, I'll hang around and make this place look festive."
"I think you and I have a deal, but I'll have to talk it over with my manager...."

     President's Day used to be a day that department stores would hold something called a "white sale." I'm not sure exactly what went on at a white sale, but thank god you don't hear about them much anymore. If they had one today, Al Sharpton would protest it, Beyonce would sing at it, the Oscars would nominate it and Donald Trump would build a wall around it.

     If we ever have two more presidents in the future that we can be somewhat proud of (it's not looking promising so far), maybe we could hold their birthdays on the same date and unite the two parties once and for all. Would it be a democratic party or a republican party? I don't know the answer, but I can make an educated guess that we're never going to have our cake and eat it too, so we might might as well just make a wish and blow out the candles. And remember, as President George Bush the senior once said, "Please just don't look at the part of the glass, the part that is only less than half full."

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