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Friday, April 1, 2016



     Last Sunday we had a party at our house so we could all tune in for The Big Game. I'm talking about The Super Bowl, but I can't use the words "Super Bowl" since they are now trademarked. I can't use the word "Super" and I can't use the word "Bowl." I can still use the word "The," so whenever I say the word, "The," you'll know I'm talking about "The Super Bowl." Which I shouldn't have said, and might in trouble for. That's why every commercial calls it "The Big Game," at least until somebody comes along and trademarks "The Big Game."

     The singing of the National Anthem is now bigger than "The Big Game" itself. Everyone feels they have to create a masterpiece and have a self-branding moment. The first two syllables have already scaled three octaves and my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. Ten minutes later the bombs are still bursting in air. By the way, who is the military genius who authorized the bombing of AIR, for god's sake? The Star-Spangled Banner is already a hard song with a high failure rate, but there they go ramping up the degree of difficulty so that the rest of us don't stand a chance. And now people who can't sing are trying to pole vault up to places they should not be. Did you ever see a Christmas tree with so much crap on it that you can't even see the tree??

     At the end of the anthem there is a dramatic flyover by Navy fighter jets in tight formation, I guess to disabuse anyone of any further notion of attacking the air. I wouldn't want to be flying one of those planes, since I have all kinds of allergies, and I have a sneezing attack while I'm in the car and I have to drive with my knees. When I got my new car I didn't realize that the cruise control "resume" button was on the bottom of the steering wheel. So now as I drive past the elementary school in the middle of my sneezing attack the car accelerates to 57 miles per hour.

     What I'm allergic to in the car remains a mystery. I know I'm allergic to cats, but the cat is not allowed to drive my car- what he does in my wife's car is his own business. The cat sneezes as much as I do, so he might be allergic to cats also.

     Finally they have the coin toss, which is this huge goofy-looking coin that couldn't possibly fit into a soda machine even if it was an emergency. Joe Namath shows up to toss the coin, wearing a fur coat so large that it could have won a separate Academy Award for The Revenant. The phrase "Academy Award" is also trademarked, by the way, and I just received a "cease and desist" letter.

     Anyway they played the game, I guess, it was kind of a snorefest. There was a lot of blowback about Eli Manning up in the skybox making a pouty face while his brother was down there winning his second Super Bowl. But anyone who watches the Giants on a regular basis knows that that is his normal expression: angst and bewilderment mixed with abject frustration, so don't read too much into it.

     While all this is going on we are trying to have this party at my house. For halftime, I heard they had some musical guests at the stadium, but the real excitement was our famous traditional volcano eruption. The volcano is about a foot tall made of paper mache. It's an imposing sight, not like the one in your fifth grade science class, where you mixed baking soda and vinegar together. Ingredients like that are more likely to result in a muffin than a volcano. For ours we use this orange powder that you can't even get in a hobby shop anymore, probably because people kept burning down their houses making paper mache volcanoes. I add a little gunpowder to the cocktail, and Somers Fire Marshall, you did NOT hear that.

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