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Friday, May 20, 2016



    I hope you and your family had a nice Easter Sunday this year, in whatever way you chose to celebrate it. Easter came and went at our house with a minimum of fuss, and only a few extra calories. The same could not be said at a mall in New Jersey, where a costumed Easter bunny went viral in a fistfight with an angry dad. At first I thought, "What is this world coming to?" And then I remembered what holidays were like at my house when I was growing up: six kids and a whole lot of candy- it's an explosive recipe that could far outstrip anything grown Easter bunnies can do at a mall.

    Back then my parents took us to a magic show and Easter egg hunt that they used to have at the Mount Kisco Country Club. I remember that even as a ten year-old, grown people performing magic tricks seemed a little silly to me. Pouring a pitcher of milk into a newspaper? That is nothing more than a great way to completely ruin breakfast- the newspaper is shot of course, and who wants to put milk in their coffee tasting like a bunch of bad news? And if you spill the milk? Well there's no use crying about that I guess.

    The Easter egg hunt didn't go much better. There were a bunch of plastic eggs hidden all over the grounds, and each one had a prize or a piece of candy in it. I know my Mom and Dad thought it would be fun for us, but the minute they blew that whistle, a zillion kids elbowed me out of the way and descended upon those eggs like a swarm of bees.

    And I have never been great at finding things, you can ask my wife. Where is the spaghetti sauce in the refrigerator? I've been looking for five minutes. It's right in front of my face, she tells me. That comment is of limited value, since I took the time to locate my face, and directly in front of it is NO spaghetti sauce. She comes in, moves a couple things around, and presto Prego! She holds it up to me so close I can read that it contains 13% of my daily requirement of potassium. NOW it's in front of my face, I call out to the back of hers.

    I think it might be fun to organize an REAL Easter egg hunt- If we're going to call it a "hunt" let's use actual guns and shoot at them! Maybe I haven't thought this through very well, but they shoot clay pigeons don't they? And where do you think clay pigeons come from? Clay eggs, duh. It certainly isn't any less sporting than "sportsmen" insisting that they need AK-47s to hunt deer.

    What if the whole controversy surrounding the Second Amendment to the Constitution was the result of a typo, and recently discovered manuscripts by Thomas Jefferson explained everything? "The weather here in the summer is much hotter than in Englande, and I am weary of our stricte dress code, which prohibits the wearing of shorte-sleeved garments. I am gratified that I had the foresight to include in our Constitution the right of all Americans to bare arms." Back then they stuck an extra "e" at the end of every other worde.

    Anyway, Easter is supposed to be about bunnies, not deer. It's a nice, wholesome family day. But I do note the irony of that little Hannibal Lecter moment where you bite the ears off the chocolate bunny first thing out of the gate. Thank goodness he can't hear what you're planning to do next, which is to chew his little candy eyes off. You ate him senseless!

    My favorites are those little eggs that have a malted-milk ball in the center. I could eat about a hundred of those. Every year my wife says she is going to cut down on the candy, but she can't take the crying and stomping. Plus, I convince her, eggs are a GREAT source of protein.

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