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Friday, October 7, 2016



      So I was flipping around the television last week, and what did I find? A new reality show starring DONALD J. TRUMP! From what I could see, the premise of the show ist that he runs for President of the United States, and he tries to get people to vote for him by insulting them! It was on every night last week, and I couldn't take my eyes off it!

      His wife, Melania, showed up and gave a speech that summarized many familiar Republican values. They were so familiar that I remembered them from 2008, when they were valued at the Democratic Convention. She told the audience that "you work hard for what you want in life," and if you don't want to work that hard, you can just copy stuff. Those are the values that got me through elementary school, when I had to do a book report and just basically copied it from the World Book encyclopedia. I would have copied this column too if I could find our World Book encyclopedias.

      Melania is from Slovenia, or it could be the other way around. She delivered her speech with the kind of rousing flourish seen at beauty pageants when they ask the contestant a question about current events. She showed up in a white monotone dress, and you can fill in your own joke here if you want. Up until now she hasn't said much, and seemed as if she was treating her husband's campaign as something he was cooking up in the basement and would have to clean up himself when it was over.

      Then former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani came out, and he yelled a lot and looked like he might blow a fuse and all the lights would go out. Ted Cruz came out and implied that you might be better off voting for somebody else. Chachi came out, and said Donald Trump was the man he endorsed, since Scott Walker wasn't in it anymore. Then the guy from Duck Dynasty came out, or it might have been the guy from ZZ Top.

      Then Trump came out, and he was standing on this huge platform, so IN YOUR FACE to everybody who said he didn't have one. Trump repeated his vow to have a wall built around America, and that he's going to make Mexico pay for it. We had a wall built next to our driveway, and you know who built it? Three Mexicans, so maybe Trump is right about that. I think it would be cheaper to build a moat, fill it in with a garden hose, then put alligators in it. But then you would need a wall to keep the alligators from coming over.

      Trump painted a dark and bleak picture of America, a place that no one would ever want to live, including terrorists and illegal immigrants. So he already fixed two problems by the end of the speech! America is great again! By the way, Trump owns the trademark to "Make America Great Again," so if anyone else tries to make America great again, Trump can sue them. He also mentioned that the current administration has done nothing to curtail the proliferation of ISIS. He promised to build a wall around ISIS, and have Mexico pay for it.

      I read that a female protester was arrested for interrupting Trump. If interrupting people were a crime she would have had to show up at Sing Sing to interrupt him. She stood up and shouted, "Build bridges, not walls!" Whereupon the president of Mexico stood up and shouted, "And pay for them your OWN damn self!"

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