ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-12-18)
So they renovated the locker room at my gym, and switched everything around. Now, I know that might not seem like a big deal to you, but for those of us with CAS, it can be life-threatening. Change-Averse Syndrome is an affliction that makes every little variation in life distasteful. I just made it up, but I would bet you 10 bucks that it really exists. Evidence: I've had the same wife for 30 some-odd years (to be honest, most-odd), I've worked at the same television network for 37 years, belonged to the same gym for decades and had the same hairstyle since the Byzantine Empire. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't deal well with change, and it's not always my fault. Often the thing the rest of the world is changing to doesn't seem better to me. Those of us with CAS use the word "new-fangled" to describe things that have been updated and modernized, when they were fangled just fine before. I once had 386 computer with 20 MEGS OF HARD DRIVE! This thing was cutting-edge, and just when I finally figured out how to switch it on, the 486 computer came along and I was back to square one. Even now, a pop-up screen flashes onto my computer monitor, telling me that they have upgraded and improved the very program I am trying to use. The major improvement they made is that I don't know how to use it anymore.
I only drink Coors Light beer. Perhaps you didn't know, but it's made with "Rocky Mountain spring water." Which is among the most polluted water on Earth, due to the strip mining in Colorado. My friends look at me with disdain and disgust because I won't try their IPA. "Why don't you sample my winter-brewed, blueberry, black and tan, limited-edition, double-overhead cam amber ale?" It turns out there was only one of them produced so I can't try it even if I wanted to.
Anyway, this situation at the gym is messing up my routine. Where did they put the scale? Usually I jump on and check my weight before I hop in the shower so I don't feel tempted to fudge the results. Then I subtract five pounds for my watch and two pounds for the locker key I wear around my neck. The the final tally still seems a little high, but I think the scale is made in a foreign country, and probably measures in kilometers.
They put in new overhead showers that rain straight down on you, which I find annoying. There's also still the traditional shower, but that overhead thing never turns all the way off. I feel like I'm being water-boarded, and by the end of my shower I'm starting to crack under the pressure. I'm yelling out secrets that never would have come out except under torture. "I LIKE BARRY MANILOW!" I echo through the locker room. Not ALL of the songs that make the whole world cry, of course, but enough to get me kicked out of my rock band if anyone knew.
I shave right in the shower to save time. I don't need to look in the mirror, because my beard only grows in certain places on my face, and I know just where my face is so I can narrow it down from there. Why I can't get a full beard growing? It looks a little patchy, like my lawn, only with fewer chipmunks. My neighbor Paul thinks I should cut down a couple trees and get more sun, but I'm not sure if he's talking about my lawn or my face.
So if all this sounds good to you and you're tired of doing different things all the time, and you're looking for a change, why don't you try things my way for a little while? Or forever? Because once you're on my team you won't be going back, fair warning.
So they renovated the locker room at my gym, and switched everything around. Now, I know that might not seem like a big deal to you, but for those of us with CAS, it can be life-threatening. Change-Averse Syndrome is an affliction that makes every little variation in life distasteful. I just made it up, but I would bet you 10 bucks that it really exists. Evidence: I've had the same wife for 30 some-odd years (to be honest, most-odd), I've worked at the same television network for 37 years, belonged to the same gym for decades and had the same hairstyle since the Byzantine Empire. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't deal well with change, and it's not always my fault. Often the thing the rest of the world is changing to doesn't seem better to me. Those of us with CAS use the word "new-fangled" to describe things that have been updated and modernized, when they were fangled just fine before. I once had 386 computer with 20 MEGS OF HARD DRIVE! This thing was cutting-edge, and just when I finally figured out how to switch it on, the 486 computer came along and I was back to square one. Even now, a pop-up screen flashes onto my computer monitor, telling me that they have upgraded and improved the very program I am trying to use. The major improvement they made is that I don't know how to use it anymore.
I only drink Coors Light beer. Perhaps you didn't know, but it's made with "Rocky Mountain spring water." Which is among the most polluted water on Earth, due to the strip mining in Colorado. My friends look at me with disdain and disgust because I won't try their IPA. "Why don't you sample my winter-brewed, blueberry, black and tan, limited-edition, double-overhead cam amber ale?" It turns out there was only one of them produced so I can't try it even if I wanted to.
Anyway, this situation at the gym is messing up my routine. Where did they put the scale? Usually I jump on and check my weight before I hop in the shower so I don't feel tempted to fudge the results. Then I subtract five pounds for my watch and two pounds for the locker key I wear around my neck. The the final tally still seems a little high, but I think the scale is made in a foreign country, and probably measures in kilometers.
They put in new overhead showers that rain straight down on you, which I find annoying. There's also still the traditional shower, but that overhead thing never turns all the way off. I feel like I'm being water-boarded, and by the end of my shower I'm starting to crack under the pressure. I'm yelling out secrets that never would have come out except under torture. "I LIKE BARRY MANILOW!" I echo through the locker room. Not ALL of the songs that make the whole world cry, of course, but enough to get me kicked out of my rock band if anyone knew.
I shave right in the shower to save time. I don't need to look in the mirror, because my beard only grows in certain places on my face, and I know just where my face is so I can narrow it down from there. Why I can't get a full beard growing? It looks a little patchy, like my lawn, only with fewer chipmunks. My neighbor Paul thinks I should cut down a couple trees and get more sun, but I'm not sure if he's talking about my lawn or my face.
So if all this sounds good to you and you're tired of doing different things all the time, and you're looking for a change, why don't you try things my way for a little while? Or forever? Because once you're on my team you won't be going back, fair warning.
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