ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-19-18)
April 22nd is Earth Day, and to help kick things off, my friend Margaret will be running the annual Somers Recycling Day on Saturday, the 21st from 9:00AM to 2:00PM at the Somers Intermediate School. Electronics, old appliances and even scrap metal will be accepted. Mike and the boys from City Carting will be there, along with Flo, and my wife will be helping out as well. Supervisor Morrissey may even stop by.
Your donation of $5.00 per car will help the PTA support school functions like guest speakers, scholarships, programs and trips, so bring your permission slip. Back in my day if you had a permission slip you could do just about anything, and nobody took much notice of you after that thing was signed. I would just cross out "Hayden Planetarium" and write in "McSorley's Ale House" and inform the bus driver of the change in plans. But kids, I'm not recommending that type of behavior, because your parents had a GPS tracking device surgically implanted into you after you were born. Scared you, didn't I?
Anyway, I bet you have a bunch of stuff lying around your house that you don't use. That iron sitting around in the laundry room? I'm looking at your shirt and it's obvious that it has never seen the light of day. I have this gazebo thing with a bunch of metal poles, and that big nor'easter blew it down and mangled everything up. I'd like to make some kind of artistic piece out of it if I was a sculptor, but then again, NO. So I'm bringing it over on Saturday.
As a planet I know we can do better. We don't want Earth to turn out like Uranus, now do we? My wife was telling me that she read an article about how just a little thing like drinking straws are cluttering up land fills all over the place. Every time we go to the diner we order a drink, and it comes with a straw that the waitress has conveniently removed part of the wrapper from. My wife takes her straw and blows the rest of the wrapper at me. I take my straw and blow my wrapper at her, which flies over to the next table and lands in the soup of a big biker dude. For the privilege of almost getting beat up, we are mucking up the planet with a bunch of junk that nobody really needs.
I'm doing my part for Earth Day every day, and so should you. I re-use my razor when I shave at the gym, bring it home and scrape it a couple more times over my pathetic excuse for a beard. That's not recycling, you say, you're just a cheapskate. Yes, but how do you explain the fact that I take my cardboard tray from breakfast all the way across the street and use it for lunch? Is it because I'm cheap AND weird? So was Albert Schweitzer, for all I know, and he was hailed as a modern-day hero. I'm certainly not asking that you hail me as a modern-day hero, but it would be a nice gesture.
I even recycle my old jokes. I don't think it does anything for the environment, and in fact some of my material is probably poking a hole in the ozone layer as we speak. I would like to recycle the funniest thing I ever said for you right now, but it's definitely not suitable for a family publication. The joke involves me, Marlo Thomas and her plastic surgeon, and the funniest thing about it is that no one but me would think that it's funny, with the possible exception of Marlo Thomas's plastic surgeon. So join us on Saturday, and bring a car full of crap. I'll be there at noon with Gidget, the world's cutest dog. It will cost you $5.00 to clear out your car, $5.25 if you want to hear the joke.
April 22nd is Earth Day, and to help kick things off, my friend Margaret will be running the annual Somers Recycling Day on Saturday, the 21st from 9:00AM to 2:00PM at the Somers Intermediate School. Electronics, old appliances and even scrap metal will be accepted. Mike and the boys from City Carting will be there, along with Flo, and my wife will be helping out as well. Supervisor Morrissey may even stop by.
Your donation of $5.00 per car will help the PTA support school functions like guest speakers, scholarships, programs and trips, so bring your permission slip. Back in my day if you had a permission slip you could do just about anything, and nobody took much notice of you after that thing was signed. I would just cross out "Hayden Planetarium" and write in "McSorley's Ale House" and inform the bus driver of the change in plans. But kids, I'm not recommending that type of behavior, because your parents had a GPS tracking device surgically implanted into you after you were born. Scared you, didn't I?
Anyway, I bet you have a bunch of stuff lying around your house that you don't use. That iron sitting around in the laundry room? I'm looking at your shirt and it's obvious that it has never seen the light of day. I have this gazebo thing with a bunch of metal poles, and that big nor'easter blew it down and mangled everything up. I'd like to make some kind of artistic piece out of it if I was a sculptor, but then again, NO. So I'm bringing it over on Saturday.
As a planet I know we can do better. We don't want Earth to turn out like Uranus, now do we? My wife was telling me that she read an article about how just a little thing like drinking straws are cluttering up land fills all over the place. Every time we go to the diner we order a drink, and it comes with a straw that the waitress has conveniently removed part of the wrapper from. My wife takes her straw and blows the rest of the wrapper at me. I take my straw and blow my wrapper at her, which flies over to the next table and lands in the soup of a big biker dude. For the privilege of almost getting beat up, we are mucking up the planet with a bunch of junk that nobody really needs.
I'm doing my part for Earth Day every day, and so should you. I re-use my razor when I shave at the gym, bring it home and scrape it a couple more times over my pathetic excuse for a beard. That's not recycling, you say, you're just a cheapskate. Yes, but how do you explain the fact that I take my cardboard tray from breakfast all the way across the street and use it for lunch? Is it because I'm cheap AND weird? So was Albert Schweitzer, for all I know, and he was hailed as a modern-day hero. I'm certainly not asking that you hail me as a modern-day hero, but it would be a nice gesture.
I even recycle my old jokes. I don't think it does anything for the environment, and in fact some of my material is probably poking a hole in the ozone layer as we speak. I would like to recycle the funniest thing I ever said for you right now, but it's definitely not suitable for a family publication. The joke involves me, Marlo Thomas and her plastic surgeon, and the funniest thing about it is that no one but me would think that it's funny, with the possible exception of Marlo Thomas's plastic surgeon. So join us on Saturday, and bring a car full of crap. I'll be there at noon with Gidget, the world's cutest dog. It will cost you $5.00 to clear out your car, $5.25 if you want to hear the joke.
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