ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-03-19)
My birthday is Christmas day, and this year is a big one. I won't mention the number, but suffice it to say that I am easing comfortably into middle age, provided that I live to be 120 years old. It's already bad enough having your birthday on Christmas, when people are concentrating on giving gifts to everyone else. I don't recall being traumatized by this when I was growing up, and I suppose I was as valued and loved as any one kid in a family of six children could be, meaning that if my parents forgot me at the supermarket for a couple days they always came by to pick me up eventually.
Yes, I share my birthday with a famous person. If you guessed Rickey Henderson you are correct. The Hall of Fame baseball player and I are the same age. He ran so often and was thrown out so seldom that when he retired they gave him a gold replica of second base. If I was a thief I would break into his house and take it, just so I could say I stole one more base than Rickey Henderson.
And of course, Jesus was a Christmas baby, that goes without saying. Jesus doesn't have as many stolen bases as Rickey Henderson, because thou shalt not steal, DUH. Jesus and I are both Capricorns, so we have certain things in common. We were born under the sign of the goat, and I'll tell you right now, if you are a goat and you were not born between December 22nd and January 19th you're never going to hear the end of it. Jesus was born in a manger, so it's possible that he was born under an actual goat. I was born in Queens, so that's where the similarity ends. Capricorn is an Earth sign and is ruled by the planet Saturn. I say, if I'm going to be ruled by a planet, put a ring on it. And thank god it's not Uranus.
Capricorns have certain personality traits, if you believe in that stuff. They say that Capricorns are stubborn. I disagree, and you'll never, ever, ever get me to change my mind. Capricorns are
known for their sarcasm. I don't notice that in myself, but listen to this quote by Jesus from the book of Matthew, 10:40: "He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me." You have to admit that one is pretty sweet. It is also said that Capricorns give good advice. There's a lot of great advice in the Bible, naturally. I give great advice myself, all the time, although it may take years before it gets recognized as great. I just made this proverb up, but it shows my facility for wisdom of this type, so you can take this advice, and if it works, let me know: "You shall go forth, and if anything happens to the first three, get the hell out of there."
I actually don't mind getting older, and I'm trying to age naturally. I remember back when I was 6 months old and people used to tell me how adorable I was. Then age caught up with me and when I was two, people were asking me if I had had any work done. At around 50 my hair started turning what most people call gray, but I refer to as ultra-blonde highlights. Now I have a very distinguished "salt and pepper" look, although I think I need to put my hair on a low-sodium diet, and every time a waiter comes around with the pepper shaker I ask him to grind a little onto my head to even things out.
There are actually some things that get better as you age. For instance, I've become more patient over the years. Well, not me personally, but I've heard that people become more patient over the years. I can't even seem to tolerate children in hospitals and mistreated animals anymore on lengthy television commercials. I feel very guilty about that, but perhaps when I'm older and more patient I'll feel otherwise. Another great thing about this time of life is that people look to youfor wisdom. Someone said to me just the other day that I am more of a wise guy now than I ever was. I've also learned to take life slower. For instance, it takes me about five minutes to get up out of a chair. The downside is that maybe I'm not as quick on the uptake as I used to be. I find myself thinking only of things that are no-brainers these days. But you have to take the good with the bad, and that's what I'm going to do.
So Mom and Dad, if you're out there and you have a Christmas baby, take a little time away from your gift giving to give an extra birthday gift to that special child. And if you have a Thanksgiving baby, take a little time away from giving thanks to give some extra birthday thanks. And if you have a Valentine's Day baby, take a little time away from, well, never mind, just get around to the birthday celebration whenever you can, and we'll see you next November for the baby shower.
My birthday is Christmas day, and this year is a big one. I won't mention the number, but suffice it to say that I am easing comfortably into middle age, provided that I live to be 120 years old. It's already bad enough having your birthday on Christmas, when people are concentrating on giving gifts to everyone else. I don't recall being traumatized by this when I was growing up, and I suppose I was as valued and loved as any one kid in a family of six children could be, meaning that if my parents forgot me at the supermarket for a couple days they always came by to pick me up eventually.
Yes, I share my birthday with a famous person. If you guessed Rickey Henderson you are correct. The Hall of Fame baseball player and I are the same age. He ran so often and was thrown out so seldom that when he retired they gave him a gold replica of second base. If I was a thief I would break into his house and take it, just so I could say I stole one more base than Rickey Henderson.
And of course, Jesus was a Christmas baby, that goes without saying. Jesus doesn't have as many stolen bases as Rickey Henderson, because thou shalt not steal, DUH. Jesus and I are both Capricorns, so we have certain things in common. We were born under the sign of the goat, and I'll tell you right now, if you are a goat and you were not born between December 22nd and January 19th you're never going to hear the end of it. Jesus was born in a manger, so it's possible that he was born under an actual goat. I was born in Queens, so that's where the similarity ends. Capricorn is an Earth sign and is ruled by the planet Saturn. I say, if I'm going to be ruled by a planet, put a ring on it. And thank god it's not Uranus.
Capricorns have certain personality traits, if you believe in that stuff. They say that Capricorns are stubborn. I disagree, and you'll never, ever, ever get me to change my mind. Capricorns are
known for their sarcasm. I don't notice that in myself, but listen to this quote by Jesus from the book of Matthew, 10:40: "He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me." You have to admit that one is pretty sweet. It is also said that Capricorns give good advice. There's a lot of great advice in the Bible, naturally. I give great advice myself, all the time, although it may take years before it gets recognized as great. I just made this proverb up, but it shows my facility for wisdom of this type, so you can take this advice, and if it works, let me know: "You shall go forth, and if anything happens to the first three, get the hell out of there."
I actually don't mind getting older, and I'm trying to age naturally. I remember back when I was 6 months old and people used to tell me how adorable I was. Then age caught up with me and when I was two, people were asking me if I had had any work done. At around 50 my hair started turning what most people call gray, but I refer to as ultra-blonde highlights. Now I have a very distinguished "salt and pepper" look, although I think I need to put my hair on a low-sodium diet, and every time a waiter comes around with the pepper shaker I ask him to grind a little onto my head to even things out.
There are actually some things that get better as you age. For instance, I've become more patient over the years. Well, not me personally, but I've heard that people become more patient over the years. I can't even seem to tolerate children in hospitals and mistreated animals anymore on lengthy television commercials. I feel very guilty about that, but perhaps when I'm older and more patient I'll feel otherwise. Another great thing about this time of life is that people look to youfor wisdom. Someone said to me just the other day that I am more of a wise guy now than I ever was. I've also learned to take life slower. For instance, it takes me about five minutes to get up out of a chair. The downside is that maybe I'm not as quick on the uptake as I used to be. I find myself thinking only of things that are no-brainers these days. But you have to take the good with the bad, and that's what I'm going to do.
So Mom and Dad, if you're out there and you have a Christmas baby, take a little time away from your gift giving to give an extra birthday gift to that special child. And if you have a Thanksgiving baby, take a little time away from giving thanks to give some extra birthday thanks. And if you have a Valentine's Day baby, take a little time away from, well, never mind, just get around to the birthday celebration whenever you can, and we'll see you next November for the baby shower.
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