ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-10-19)
You've probably seen all those other "Year in Review" articles in the fake news mainstream media, but right now I'm going to recap the stories that are really important, the issues that are the most meaningful to your everyday lives. These are true stories, and the truest thing about them is that I made up a whole bunch of stuff to go with them. If you'd like to delve more deeply into these stories, you should probably seek some form of therapy.
FAN WEARING BUCKET ON HIS HEAD INJURED BY FALLING SCOREBOARD PIECE AT WRIGLEY FIELD
If the fan had not had the bucket on his head he would have been seriously injured. As it was, he was humorously injured. He needed five staples in his head, one to close a small wound and the other four to attach him to an outgoing email. It's possible that seeing a game at Wrigley Field was on this guy's bucket list, but did anyone explain to him that you don't need to involve an actual bucket? If not, let me be the first.
FACEBOOK ACCUSED OF INTRODUCING EXTREMISTS TO EACH OTHER USING 'SUGGESTED FRIENDS' FEATURE
ISIS apparently used Facebook to recruit new jihadists using the "Suggested Friends" utility, a complicated algorithm that helps users connect with other people who share the same interests. Extremists were able to share propaganda, radicalizing techniques and cat videos. With suggested friends like that, who needs suggested enemies?
BRINKS TRUCK DROPS MONEY ONTO HIGHWAY, POLICE URGE PEOPLE TO RETURN MONEY
The bags of cash apparently fell out of the vehicle from a door that was not properly secured or failed mechanically, and the drivers were unaware of the problem until passengers in an adjacent car alerted them using the customary sign language for "Hey knucklehead: $600,000 dollars in cash just dropped out of your truck!" So many people came out of the woodwork to scoop up the money that they had to install new woodwork on I-70.
STUDY FINDS DIET RICH IN SEAFOOD BOOSTS LIBIDO
The findings of this study showed that if both partners ate seafood on the same day, the odds of them having sex increased 39 percent, although not necessarily with each other. They first tried to implement the survey using fish as subjects, but after eating the seafood they had no partners left.
ROBOT PUTS IKEA CHAIR TOGETHER IN 20 MINUTES
That's the good news. The bad news is that the robot is also from IKEA, so you have to wait until the robot puts itself together first. The robot spent 12 minutes planning motion pathways, three seconds locating the parts, 9 minutes putting the chair together and another 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do with the extra bolt that was in the bag. After spending all that time assembling the "Stefan" model dining room chair, the robot realized it could not sit in it and promptly left the room in tears.
SCIENTISTS ACCIDENTALLY PRODUCE AN ENZYME THAT DEVOURS PLASTIC
Discovering the enzyme was the easy part, since they discovered it accidentally. The hard part was getting into their wives' purse next to their credit cards. Researchers are currently trying to ascertain whether the protein is safe to be around the Kardashians.
RUNNERS COMPETE IN NORTH POLE MARATHON
It would almost be worth competing in this race just so you'd have an excuse to go up there and see once and for all whether there really is a Santa Claus or not. Probably the nicest thing you could say about a North Pole marathon is that at the end, at least you'd be 26.2 miles away from it.
EXTREME COLD CAUSES IGUANAS TO FALL FROM TREES IN FLORIDA
Last January when the temperature in Florida dipped below 40 degrees, green iguanas were immobilized and dropped from their perches onto the ground. Due to the risk of salmonella poisoning, health officials warn people not to pick up the iguanas, especially at singles bars, no matter how sexy they are dressed or how many drinks you've had.
I'll be back next week to wrap up the Year in Review!
You've probably seen all those other "Year in Review" articles in the fake news mainstream media, but right now I'm going to recap the stories that are really important, the issues that are the most meaningful to your everyday lives. These are true stories, and the truest thing about them is that I made up a whole bunch of stuff to go with them. If you'd like to delve more deeply into these stories, you should probably seek some form of therapy.
FAN WEARING BUCKET ON HIS HEAD INJURED BY FALLING SCOREBOARD PIECE AT WRIGLEY FIELD
If the fan had not had the bucket on his head he would have been seriously injured. As it was, he was humorously injured. He needed five staples in his head, one to close a small wound and the other four to attach him to an outgoing email. It's possible that seeing a game at Wrigley Field was on this guy's bucket list, but did anyone explain to him that you don't need to involve an actual bucket? If not, let me be the first.
FACEBOOK ACCUSED OF INTRODUCING EXTREMISTS TO EACH OTHER USING 'SUGGESTED FRIENDS' FEATURE
ISIS apparently used Facebook to recruit new jihadists using the "Suggested Friends" utility, a complicated algorithm that helps users connect with other people who share the same interests. Extremists were able to share propaganda, radicalizing techniques and cat videos. With suggested friends like that, who needs suggested enemies?
BRINKS TRUCK DROPS MONEY ONTO HIGHWAY, POLICE URGE PEOPLE TO RETURN MONEY
The bags of cash apparently fell out of the vehicle from a door that was not properly secured or failed mechanically, and the drivers were unaware of the problem until passengers in an adjacent car alerted them using the customary sign language for "Hey knucklehead: $600,000 dollars in cash just dropped out of your truck!" So many people came out of the woodwork to scoop up the money that they had to install new woodwork on I-70.
STUDY FINDS DIET RICH IN SEAFOOD BOOSTS LIBIDO
The findings of this study showed that if both partners ate seafood on the same day, the odds of them having sex increased 39 percent, although not necessarily with each other. They first tried to implement the survey using fish as subjects, but after eating the seafood they had no partners left.
ROBOT PUTS IKEA CHAIR TOGETHER IN 20 MINUTES
That's the good news. The bad news is that the robot is also from IKEA, so you have to wait until the robot puts itself together first. The robot spent 12 minutes planning motion pathways, three seconds locating the parts, 9 minutes putting the chair together and another 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do with the extra bolt that was in the bag. After spending all that time assembling the "Stefan" model dining room chair, the robot realized it could not sit in it and promptly left the room in tears.
SCIENTISTS ACCIDENTALLY PRODUCE AN ENZYME THAT DEVOURS PLASTIC
Discovering the enzyme was the easy part, since they discovered it accidentally. The hard part was getting into their wives' purse next to their credit cards. Researchers are currently trying to ascertain whether the protein is safe to be around the Kardashians.
RUNNERS COMPETE IN NORTH POLE MARATHON
It would almost be worth competing in this race just so you'd have an excuse to go up there and see once and for all whether there really is a Santa Claus or not. Probably the nicest thing you could say about a North Pole marathon is that at the end, at least you'd be 26.2 miles away from it.
EXTREME COLD CAUSES IGUANAS TO FALL FROM TREES IN FLORIDA
Last January when the temperature in Florida dipped below 40 degrees, green iguanas were immobilized and dropped from their perches onto the ground. Due to the risk of salmonella poisoning, health officials warn people not to pick up the iguanas, especially at singles bars, no matter how sexy they are dressed or how many drinks you've had.
I'll be back next week to wrap up the Year in Review!
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