ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-04-19)
I've been waiting all winter for spring, and now that it's here I'm wondering if it was all worth it. Spring may not be all it's cracked up to be, and I'm the one who's been sitting here cracking it up for three months. When I was slogging to work from Grand Central on my bicycle during the polar vortex, all I wished for was a 40-degree day. I thought it would make me happy. But now it's spring, and it's 45-degrees out. I am not as happy as I thought I would be.
Spring is a time of renewal, and one of the things that is renewed is an endless supply of biota and nefarious organisms seemingly designed to make my life less trouble-free. I was sitting on the couch the other day minding my own business when I saw a stink bug fly by, and I thought, "Isn't nature's inexorable cycle awesome?" When it came out of my mouth it sounded like, "Jesus, those damned pain-in-the-asterisks again," but they say it's the thought that counts. I watched the stink bug fly all around the room five times, then all of a sudden it was on my nose without actually flying there. It said, "Dude, you're cross-eyed!" as I was trying to pry it off my nostril without detonating it. I did what they do in all those movies where the hero disarms a bomb, and I looked for a red wire so I could snip it with a pair of diagonal cutters- that usually does the trick. I couldn't find one so I coaxed him gently into a Kleenex and wrangled him over to the toilet for a burial at sea. So civilized I was, like a bouncer throwing Kirk Douglas out of a bar, I dropped him into the bowl, the stink bug not Kirk Douglas, and WATCH IT there's a sudden riptide and and swimming is not his strongest event, and down he goes and I dust off my hands victorious. And what does he do? From beyond the watery grave he airmails me a good one, like somebody farting in the hot tub. So insects might not be smarter than we are, but they're certainly just as vindictive.
Another thing I'm holding my breath waiting for is these little swarms of tiny bugs that come out in the spring. Do you know what I'm talking about? Each bug is teency-weency, but all together in a street gang they are a menace. And you have to hold your breath if you see one of these little bug clouds, because if you time it wrong you're going to run out of breath mid-cloud and inhale a few hundred of them, and it will spoil your lunch. I'm not sure what happens to them after I suck them in, where could they possibly go? Not one of them makes the slightest effort to come back out even if I exhale 30 times in a row, so I guess they are still in there playing cards or something. I try to use the same technique as I do with my barber, when he combs my front hairs waiting for me to exhale, then snips just when I turn blue and it all rains down into my mouth as he pretends not to notice. Covering my mouth with my hand doesn't change the outcome and only makes me turn blue faster.
And now the pollen is starting to come out of wherever it comes out from so I'm starting to sneeze all over the place. They say it's tree pollen causing all this misery, and why do trees even have flowers on them when flowers don't have trees on them? I do nothing but sneeze when I'm in my downstairs office, and my wife thinks that there's some kind of mold growing down there. My Mom used to say that when they made me they threw away the mold, ha ha, but it got back there somehow. I remember one year at around this time I was sneezing almost nonstop for an entire week before we left for our vacation in Greece. Once we set foot in Athens I stopped, so I might be allergic to the entire United States of America. My doctor said I should use my asthma inhaler, which lets me breathe more efficiently, and my intake of teency-weency bugs and tree pollen has increased as prescribed.
If you're going to renew all those flowers and trees, you're going to need a boatload of rain. And now because of global warming, we don't just get rain anymore, we get severe weather events. Climate models predict that heat-trapping gases will adversely affect weather patterns in the coming years, because warmer air can hold more water vapor than cooler air. Climate models often know just what to say. Luckily, around here we don't have to worry about mudslides, so worrying about them is optional if you run out of things to worry about.
People who are observing Lent have it worst of all, because on top of everything else they have to give up something they love. I observe Lent every year by watching my neighbor, who stops drinking for 40 days, so now he has to go through all of the above completely sober. Everything that happens in the Bible happens for 40 days, they don't kid around. If you have any kind of problem in the Bible, just be patient, take two of these and wait 41 days and it will go away. Lent is a way of commemorating the 40 days that Jesus spent fasting in the desert, and by the way he also gave up air conditioning. I told my neighbor that if it was me I'd give up drinking for 40 days, but who said anything about night?
Listen, I don't want to ruin it for you, there's plenty to love about spring. Look at the beautiful flowers! I almost stepped on a bee because we were both looking at the same flowers. And love is in the air! So go outside and breathe it all in. Watch out for those little bugs, though. I'm going inside because it just started to rain- see you in 41 days.
I've been waiting all winter for spring, and now that it's here I'm wondering if it was all worth it. Spring may not be all it's cracked up to be, and I'm the one who's been sitting here cracking it up for three months. When I was slogging to work from Grand Central on my bicycle during the polar vortex, all I wished for was a 40-degree day. I thought it would make me happy. But now it's spring, and it's 45-degrees out. I am not as happy as I thought I would be.
Spring is a time of renewal, and one of the things that is renewed is an endless supply of biota and nefarious organisms seemingly designed to make my life less trouble-free. I was sitting on the couch the other day minding my own business when I saw a stink bug fly by, and I thought, "Isn't nature's inexorable cycle awesome?" When it came out of my mouth it sounded like, "Jesus, those damned pain-in-the-asterisks again," but they say it's the thought that counts. I watched the stink bug fly all around the room five times, then all of a sudden it was on my nose without actually flying there. It said, "Dude, you're cross-eyed!" as I was trying to pry it off my nostril without detonating it. I did what they do in all those movies where the hero disarms a bomb, and I looked for a red wire so I could snip it with a pair of diagonal cutters- that usually does the trick. I couldn't find one so I coaxed him gently into a Kleenex and wrangled him over to the toilet for a burial at sea. So civilized I was, like a bouncer throwing Kirk Douglas out of a bar, I dropped him into the bowl, the stink bug not Kirk Douglas, and WATCH IT there's a sudden riptide and and swimming is not his strongest event, and down he goes and I dust off my hands victorious. And what does he do? From beyond the watery grave he airmails me a good one, like somebody farting in the hot tub. So insects might not be smarter than we are, but they're certainly just as vindictive.
Another thing I'm holding my breath waiting for is these little swarms of tiny bugs that come out in the spring. Do you know what I'm talking about? Each bug is teency-weency, but all together in a street gang they are a menace. And you have to hold your breath if you see one of these little bug clouds, because if you time it wrong you're going to run out of breath mid-cloud and inhale a few hundred of them, and it will spoil your lunch. I'm not sure what happens to them after I suck them in, where could they possibly go? Not one of them makes the slightest effort to come back out even if I exhale 30 times in a row, so I guess they are still in there playing cards or something. I try to use the same technique as I do with my barber, when he combs my front hairs waiting for me to exhale, then snips just when I turn blue and it all rains down into my mouth as he pretends not to notice. Covering my mouth with my hand doesn't change the outcome and only makes me turn blue faster.
And now the pollen is starting to come out of wherever it comes out from so I'm starting to sneeze all over the place. They say it's tree pollen causing all this misery, and why do trees even have flowers on them when flowers don't have trees on them? I do nothing but sneeze when I'm in my downstairs office, and my wife thinks that there's some kind of mold growing down there. My Mom used to say that when they made me they threw away the mold, ha ha, but it got back there somehow. I remember one year at around this time I was sneezing almost nonstop for an entire week before we left for our vacation in Greece. Once we set foot in Athens I stopped, so I might be allergic to the entire United States of America. My doctor said I should use my asthma inhaler, which lets me breathe more efficiently, and my intake of teency-weency bugs and tree pollen has increased as prescribed.
If you're going to renew all those flowers and trees, you're going to need a boatload of rain. And now because of global warming, we don't just get rain anymore, we get severe weather events. Climate models predict that heat-trapping gases will adversely affect weather patterns in the coming years, because warmer air can hold more water vapor than cooler air. Climate models often know just what to say. Luckily, around here we don't have to worry about mudslides, so worrying about them is optional if you run out of things to worry about.
People who are observing Lent have it worst of all, because on top of everything else they have to give up something they love. I observe Lent every year by watching my neighbor, who stops drinking for 40 days, so now he has to go through all of the above completely sober. Everything that happens in the Bible happens for 40 days, they don't kid around. If you have any kind of problem in the Bible, just be patient, take two of these and wait 41 days and it will go away. Lent is a way of commemorating the 40 days that Jesus spent fasting in the desert, and by the way he also gave up air conditioning. I told my neighbor that if it was me I'd give up drinking for 40 days, but who said anything about night?
Listen, I don't want to ruin it for you, there's plenty to love about spring. Look at the beautiful flowers! I almost stepped on a bee because we were both looking at the same flowers. And love is in the air! So go outside and breathe it all in. Watch out for those little bugs, though. I'm going inside because it just started to rain- see you in 41 days.
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