ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-25-19)
If you're thinking about running for president, now is the time to do it, because everybody else is and you don't want to be left out. Running for office is a minefield, so let's go over a few rules and suggestions, and some examples of what not to do. Rule Number One: Don't do anything that goes against your core values. For instance, Bernie Sanders has spent his political career railing against the rich and powerful. He even wrote a book about it, and the people rose up and bought his book, and now he's a millionaire, and he's stumbling around trying to explain why he shouldn't share some of that money with us. There's nothing worse for Socialism than a rich and powerful proletariat.
Rule Number Two: Don't do anything stupid 20 years ago. I went to a Halloween party as Shrek once, and now I'm finding out that it is insulting to ogres to parade around in green-face. So today's standards are being applied to things that happened quite a while ago, and now it is coming to light that many people were insulted and subjected to rude behavior before they were killed during the fall of the Roman Empire.
Rule Number Three: Try to stretch the truth as much as possible, because the truth is BORING. Stretch it like a pair of yoga pants in the Walmart cookie aisle. Elizabeth Warren had been going around telling people that she is part American Indian, then she had her numbers done by one of those DNA genealogy sites, and it turns out she's like one millionth Cherokee Indian, the equivalent of one of her inner ear bones. Incidentally my neighbor has a Jeep Cherokee in the garage that's going through the same issue- most of it was made in Japan and Mexico, and it's only about one-eighth native American. If I was running for president I would say I am part black Latina woman, and probably I would be statistically correct.
Rule Number Four: It's a good idea to be all things to all people. If you have any skeletons in the closet, now is the time to get them out. If you yourself have been in the closet, now is the time to get YOU out. The LGBT community is a large and vocal group, and they don't want to see their rights trampled upon. If you are a gay candidate, you have an instant base right there. If not, this is your opportunity to bring up an incident or two that you had in summer camp and get it off your chest. Okay maybe three, it was a long time ago. Four is my final offer, and I'll throw in a bachelor party weekend when I was in college, but there was alcohol involved.
Rule Number Five: Don't say anything stupid on the campaign trail, like "Where is the actual trail? I think I might be lost." DON'T screw up, not because you could mislead the American people, or do damage to your chances of becoming president, but because you might get mocked on Saturday Night Live. The minute I see Colin Jost in front of a picture of me in the corner, before he even says anything all the hair falls out of my head. Even worse, is one of the ugly cast members going to portray me, or worser than worse, a female cast member? You're better off not saying anything substantive that can come back to bite you on the ass later. When Trump ends up in the hospital after all this is over it won't be because of stress or because a climate scientist punched him in the nose, it will be because one of those bites on his ass got infected.
Rule Number Six: Don't touch any women, even if you have a good reason, and being creepy is not a good reason. A female politician came forward to complain that Biden acted inappropriately by kissing the top of her head and "inhaling" her hair. All I could think of was thank god she wasn't wearing a wig. "Honey, where did all your hair go?" "Oh that. Biden inhaled it. But the joke's on him because it had a boatload of bobby pins in it!" "Well, I was kissed by a politician 40 years ago, and I have photo evidence of it. I'm just now coming to terms with it." "Mom, you were 10 months old- everybody kissed babies back then!" "Yes but I've finally decided to come forward instead of waiting for everyone else to go backward."
Rule Number Seven: If it looks like you might be getting close to being elected, make sure to have some cabinet appointees in mind. Trump decided to hire and fire a bunch of retired generals, thinking that they might tell him what to do and that he might enjoy that. He went through General Flynn, he went through General McMaster, he went through General Kelly, he went through General Mattis. The only one he didn't hire is that little general who sells car insurance from a Corvette convertible with a penguin. If he had gone to him first he would have saved some time, so I've heard.
If, god forbid, you DO get elected, don't stress about it, it's not the end of the world. You don't really have to do anything, as long as you tweet that you'd like to do something, perhaps this weekend if the weather is nice. It doesn't matter if you tweet like a 12 year-old girl. Blame anything bad on the "Dems." Get an Instagram account and try to break the internet before the Russians do. I've got to go now and find some ice for my knee. I was putting together my campaign platform, and I whacked myself with a hammer.
If you're thinking about running for president, now is the time to do it, because everybody else is and you don't want to be left out. Running for office is a minefield, so let's go over a few rules and suggestions, and some examples of what not to do. Rule Number One: Don't do anything that goes against your core values. For instance, Bernie Sanders has spent his political career railing against the rich and powerful. He even wrote a book about it, and the people rose up and bought his book, and now he's a millionaire, and he's stumbling around trying to explain why he shouldn't share some of that money with us. There's nothing worse for Socialism than a rich and powerful proletariat.
Rule Number Two: Don't do anything stupid 20 years ago. I went to a Halloween party as Shrek once, and now I'm finding out that it is insulting to ogres to parade around in green-face. So today's standards are being applied to things that happened quite a while ago, and now it is coming to light that many people were insulted and subjected to rude behavior before they were killed during the fall of the Roman Empire.
Rule Number Three: Try to stretch the truth as much as possible, because the truth is BORING. Stretch it like a pair of yoga pants in the Walmart cookie aisle. Elizabeth Warren had been going around telling people that she is part American Indian, then she had her numbers done by one of those DNA genealogy sites, and it turns out she's like one millionth Cherokee Indian, the equivalent of one of her inner ear bones. Incidentally my neighbor has a Jeep Cherokee in the garage that's going through the same issue- most of it was made in Japan and Mexico, and it's only about one-eighth native American. If I was running for president I would say I am part black Latina woman, and probably I would be statistically correct.
Rule Number Four: It's a good idea to be all things to all people. If you have any skeletons in the closet, now is the time to get them out. If you yourself have been in the closet, now is the time to get YOU out. The LGBT community is a large and vocal group, and they don't want to see their rights trampled upon. If you are a gay candidate, you have an instant base right there. If not, this is your opportunity to bring up an incident or two that you had in summer camp and get it off your chest. Okay maybe three, it was a long time ago. Four is my final offer, and I'll throw in a bachelor party weekend when I was in college, but there was alcohol involved.
Rule Number Five: Don't say anything stupid on the campaign trail, like "Where is the actual trail? I think I might be lost." DON'T screw up, not because you could mislead the American people, or do damage to your chances of becoming president, but because you might get mocked on Saturday Night Live. The minute I see Colin Jost in front of a picture of me in the corner, before he even says anything all the hair falls out of my head. Even worse, is one of the ugly cast members going to portray me, or worser than worse, a female cast member? You're better off not saying anything substantive that can come back to bite you on the ass later. When Trump ends up in the hospital after all this is over it won't be because of stress or because a climate scientist punched him in the nose, it will be because one of those bites on his ass got infected.
Rule Number Six: Don't touch any women, even if you have a good reason, and being creepy is not a good reason. A female politician came forward to complain that Biden acted inappropriately by kissing the top of her head and "inhaling" her hair. All I could think of was thank god she wasn't wearing a wig. "Honey, where did all your hair go?" "Oh that. Biden inhaled it. But the joke's on him because it had a boatload of bobby pins in it!" "Well, I was kissed by a politician 40 years ago, and I have photo evidence of it. I'm just now coming to terms with it." "Mom, you were 10 months old- everybody kissed babies back then!" "Yes but I've finally decided to come forward instead of waiting for everyone else to go backward."
Rule Number Seven: If it looks like you might be getting close to being elected, make sure to have some cabinet appointees in mind. Trump decided to hire and fire a bunch of retired generals, thinking that they might tell him what to do and that he might enjoy that. He went through General Flynn, he went through General McMaster, he went through General Kelly, he went through General Mattis. The only one he didn't hire is that little general who sells car insurance from a Corvette convertible with a penguin. If he had gone to him first he would have saved some time, so I've heard.
If, god forbid, you DO get elected, don't stress about it, it's not the end of the world. You don't really have to do anything, as long as you tweet that you'd like to do something, perhaps this weekend if the weather is nice. It doesn't matter if you tweet like a 12 year-old girl. Blame anything bad on the "Dems." Get an Instagram account and try to break the internet before the Russians do. I've got to go now and find some ice for my knee. I was putting together my campaign platform, and I whacked myself with a hammer.
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