DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-11-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     According to a study by a major insurance company, 77 percent of accidents take place within 15 miles of home. I find that it's even more convenient to take care of the whole 77 percent right IN your home. If you hop into your car and drive 15 miles just to have an accident something bad could happen to you along the way. I always seem to pick the most dangerous things to do around the house when my wife is away for the weekend. I know she loves me and if she were here to witness any mishap I believe that she would eventually call the paramedics, after enjoying a nice quiet cup of coffee with the newspaper while I'm unconscious. If the paramedics remember me from last time she might make them a cup too.

     What are you going to do while I'm gone, she asked me, and I told her I'm going to clean my shotgun. She rolled her eyes a few times, because whenever a wife kills her husband on "Forensic Files," she says he was cleaning the shotgun. They're going to be suspicious of her of course, but her lawyer proves that it can be done by pretending to shoot himself by pulling the trigger with his toe. The jury is rooting for the gun. I don't want to anyone to cast a suspicious eye at my wife in case anything happens so I take off my shoes and socks before cleaning the gun.

     I had a some other things to cross off my "honey-do" list. Next was to hang up a new bird feeder. A squirrel had rigged the old one so that bird seeds poured out the side when he stood on the perch. He probably took a chainsaw to it when his wife was away for the weekend. The new feeder had a picture of a squirrel crying on the box (no lie), so I just added him to the list of those who are disappointed by me. I brought out the most rickety wooden ladder you've ever seen, which looks like it was made by a fifth grade shop class right before recess. As I was swinging from side to side near the top of the thing the birds were watching, the squirrels were watching, waiting for me to fail, like when someone hits me an easy lob on the tennis court.

     The most challenging time to change an outdoor lighting fixture is in the rain, but thought I might even up the odds by switching the breaker off first. I flipped the wrong one and the garage lights went off and I couldn't see where it was to turn it back on, so I tried to find a flashlight and by force of habit turned off the light switch on the wall thinking I was turning it on, and when I found the flashlight and turned the breaker back on the switch was still off and when I went over to turn it back on the battery in the flashlight went dead. This went on for quite a while, and thank god no squirrels were around to witness it and laugh at me.

     It's not like I'm a daredevil or anything. Sure, I have a devil-may-care attitude, but then again he may not. Usually I play things pretty safe. I don't interact with dogs that I'm not familiar with; I to try to get to know them a little better by inviting them over to the house to watch the ballgame. I don't drive dangerously. I see drivers do things all the time that I consider absolutely NUTS whenever I'm not doing them myself. "Reckless" is an ironic word for people that get into a lot of wrecks, but it's not me. I don't even eat dangerous foods, like mushrooms for instance, in case they turn out to be poisonous and I don't have the antidote. I don't eat bananas because I read that they are full of plutonium. Or was it potassium? Either way I'm not taking any chances. I don't order swordfish for obvious reasons.

     And because I'm so careful I made it through most of the weekend without injuring myself or others, and now I'm going to do something boringly safe and get rid of all that ice and snow around the garage doors. And I have just the 50-foot range industrial flamethrower for the job. Stay safe, people, and don't do anything that I wouldn't not do.