HEART COPY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-25-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     There is only one way to get through Valentine's Day, and that's together. My wife and I have been together longer than traffic and weather, and it doesn't happen by accident. It takes perseverance, patience and even a little humility to make it work. Since none of those adjectives describe me at all, I got myself a partner who has those qualities and maybe they'll eventually rub off on me.

     When I throw one of my legendary temper tantrums, and I'm yelling at myself for doing something stupid again so loudly that the cat scurries under the couch, who is the one that talks me down from the ledge? It's definitely not the cat. When I'm trying to do something on the computer and can't figure it out, who calmly applies logic and patience to the problem? Not the cat either. And when it's late at night and I'm stuck in a mire of endless tedium for work, who comes and sits on my lap? Actually this time it is the cat.
     I have my own role in the relationship, which is to keep things light and carefree so nobody notices that life might be a struggle at times. They say that women like guys with a great sense of humor, which makes it lucky for me that in spite of mine, my wife married me anyway. I have her trained as a straight man, so that when she says "Huh?" I say, "Yeah," and we go back and forth like an old Burns and Schreiber routine. We tried it the other way around, but when I say, "Huh?" she just repeats what she said because it's sometimes difficult to distinguish between comedy and old age, and then I have to move on to something from Burns and Allen.

     Every couple has their own rhythm, their own ebb and flow. I know couples who argue ALL the time. They bicker about something that the other one said, but they said that they never said that. Yes they did, I remember it clearly, as clear as the day I was born. You remember the day you were born? That's not what I said. You just said it. It's a figure of speech, an idiom. YOU'RE an idiom. And it goes on like that while the rest of us at the table are waiting for coffee, trying to keep score in case the fight goes to the judges. If I leave to go to get the fire hose to separate them, when I return they're back to laughing, together, at ME. That's just the way some couples operate, they shoot it down so they can build it back up again.

     There are some celebrity couples that seem to communicate only by Instagram. She posts a picture of herself in a bikini, and he comments about how great she's rocking it, and seven thousand other people who are not actually involved in the relationship comment about how you shouldn't rock a bikini after a certain age, and seven thousand other people clap back that you should, and she claps back and he claps back, and by the time the applause dies down she's in a different bikini.

     I feel a little sorry for single people sometimes. I'm sure they think they're having more fun, but they don't have anyone to tell them that what they're doing is stupid, let alone what they're wearing. If you are reading this, and you're single, look at what you have on and ask yourself if your wife or girlfriend would have approved of you wearing camo shorts with sandals in February. If the answer is yes, congratulations on your bachelorhood because you dodged a bullet.

     It is true that shared tastes are a plus in a relationship, and sometimes you can steer your partner in your direction, and if you're smart you'll let yourself be steered in hers, too. I've introduced my wife to the subtleties of Sinatra and the joys of jazz. She has me enjoying vegetables I can't pronounce and eating dishes made with a roux. She got me watching "Monk" and I have her watching "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Your relationship will prosper if you both like cuisine with the exact same amount of garlic.

     I know a couple where the wife is a Democrat and the husband is a Republican, and while that may not be uncommon, the last four years have put a few extra layers of stress on a relationship. And people need to find a way to get past it all so you don't end up with two Independents. Perhaps she thinks the stimulus package could be a little bigger. Perhaps he favors a decrease in domestic spending. If you're willing to walk down the aisle, you can surely walk across it. I myself am willing to do anything for my party, and I'll even run out for more hamburgers if necessary.

     I don't care whether you're straight, gay, binary, trinary or dating one of the prime numbers, kiss someone you love every day and mean it. I'll post a picture of myself in a bikini if you don't.