IF THEY DON'T WIN IT'S A SHAME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-08-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Now that it's safe to come out of the house, you might be looking for things to do that don't cost an arm and a leg, aren't too far away and can't be done via Zoom. My wife thought we might go someplace for a walk in the woods, but I said that seems like a hike. So instead we got tickets to a Hudson Valley Renegades game at Dutchess Stadium in Wappingers Falls. The team is the "High-A" affiliate of the Yankees, so you can see up-and-coming players, as well as those that are down-and-going.

     I anticipated a long wait for parking, so I pulled my usual trick that I do at a Giants game, which is to park as far away from the stadium as you possibly can and when the game is over, by the time you walk the 45 minutes back to your car, everyone's gone home and you say to your passengers, "See? Beat the traffic." I would have parked off exit 12 on I-84 but they re-numbered the exits and I couldn't do the math quick enough.

     The cuisine is not diverse as in the big leagues. At Yankee Stadium you can order sushi parmesan if you want, but minor league food is pretty basic: hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza. I couldn't even buy you some peanuts and Cracker Jacks if I wanted, but making concessions is what you do at concession stands. You might miss a few innings standing on line- food service workers are working from home these days, but on something other than food service. But that doesn't mean you have to miss the action. As I was waiting for the wine steward, a foul ball came hurtling over the roof, bounced off the facade and almost landed on some lady's hamburger. I would have ordered mine the same way if I thought it would get here any quicker.

     There was no program available, no scorecard and no player roster, so you couldn't really be sure if all of the members were even on the team. I'm used to seeing a long list of their statistics: batting average, home runs, RBIs, height, weight, circumference, favorite recipe, Mary Ann, Ginger, Jeannie or Samantha and the three-digit security code on the back of their credit card. I had to make do with a severely un-Photoshopped photo on the scoreboard.

     The P.A. announcer has the hardest job of anyone in the place. He was part sports commentator, part babysitter and part cruise ship activities director. He referred your attention to the top of each dugout for various enterprises and contests between innings, and after a while the baseball game just grew to be a distraction.

     As all this was going on there was something that looked like a large yellow throw pillow roaming around the stands, which I am told was Pikachu, a Japanese animated character. I'm not sure if it had anything to with the game or if it just wandered in from Times Square, but I thought it safer to tip it just in case. I did find out later that Pikachu has powerful electrical abilities, which is more than I learned about any of the players.

     Since there was no scorecard, the chance of me scoring at the stadium rose to 0. I tried keeping a scorecard at a ballgame once, and it was a lot like when I watch a movie with my wife: "What just happened?" I ask. "Pay attention and you'll find out," she says. I say, "I was trying to write a backwards 'K' but it kept coming out forwards." She asks why are you writing a backwards 'K' when we're trying to watch a movie?

     You do have to pay attention once in a while because there is no instant replay at the stadium. I realize it's expensive, but I usually have my attention somewhere else, like looking for the glasses that are already up on my forehead but since I'm nearsighted I can't see them there without my glasses. Would it be too much trouble just to re-enact the important plays over again, a little slower? If you want to add a bad break-up or a chase scene, so much the better.

     After the game they covered the outfield with a tarp and set off fireworks. A splendid finale to an eventful 11-9 victory. We enjoyed the bombs bursting in air, because my town won't be hosting fireworks, as we wait for covid-19 to finally be swept out to sea. Instead, maybe I'll just start a loud argument this year, as my dog is used to hiding under the couch on July 4th.