RUNNING FOR THE HILLS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-15-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     My friend Margaret is running for town council. She is a gregarious, honest, caring, passionate and hard-working individual who would be an asset to any organization, and certainly my town. It takes a special kind of person to espouse politics at even the most local level. At a small get-together to introduce her candidacy, some current members of the Town Board said a few words about what they do.

     They spoke about new ideas, and how not every idea is a great idea just because it's new, but what IS great is having them, welcoming them and considering them. They spoke of how diversity is something not to be feared, but to be embraced as a way to keep a town from stagnating. They talked about what a nice place we live in, and ideas to make it even better.

     I wondered what it would be like to be in that world for just a moment. That's how long it would take for people to say, "I wouldn't vote for you if you were the LAST politician on Earth!" But what if I WAS the last politician on Earth? I have a couple of questions before I agree to run: 1.) Is anything boring going to come before the Board? I'm not sure I want to have to read a bunch of legal-sounding stuff like, "all abuttals will be accepted ab initio as absolute according to accounts accumulated by the acquittal of adjudication administrated by the aforementioned, ad valorem. And that's just the boring stuff that begins with "A." 2.) Do I have to kiss any babies? Most interactions I have with babies result in one of us being disappointed in the others' behavior. Maybe the baby wouldn't be offended by a solemn bow like in Japan. 3.) Will I be expected to know the answers to peoples' questions? If the baby asks me something I can probably answer it without having to look it up in a YouTube video, otherwise I'll have to get back to you.

     I don't want to get caught in a lie, but the truth is sometimes painful, so I have to obfuscate it by saying things that sound like I made them up, like "obfuscate." Why do I use a word like "ubiquitously?" It's difficult to say. "That bum Rick Melén said in a speech that my taxes would always almost never not hesitate to sometimes every time not go the opposite of down, and yet they always almost never hesitated to sometimes the opposite of not did!" I wouldn't have said something like that unless I meant it.

     You have to be good at posing for photos. "Would you mind a photo?" Someone at my rally asks. "Sure, but what's my hair look like?" I reply. "An endangered species habitat," they say, "but I meant for you to take a picture of US." You have to make sure someone is photographing you every time you're doing something good, like rescuing someone who is about to eat haggis, or delivering great oratory about why "F Troop" is better than "The Brady Bunch."

     You have to be willing to compromise. If you're not, just get out of the game now, I'm not budging on that.

     I'm not sure if there are any skeletons in my closet. There's a weird smell coming from in there, but it could be that broken toaster oven that I can't bear to throw away because at some point it might be less broken than the one I have now. What if someone from the opposing party hires a private detective to dig up some "dirt" on me? The first thing he's going to do is check my internet browser history, and his eyes will pop out of his head. Not for the reason you might think, but because when he sees queries like, "legal terms that start with 'A'" or "what exactly is haggis," he'll automatically assume that I'm unfit for office.

     So good luck to you, Margaret. I guess you just have to be true to yourself and hope for the best. I said to my wife that the one thing I could do was write a speech. I'd open with a joke and close with a joke, not the same joke. "What goes in the middle?" She asked. I'd put a couple funny stories in there and a gag, I said. "What kind of politician would you be with that speech?" She asked. "I don't know," I said, "but I'd feel funny trying not to be."