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ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-22-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     When summer rolls around I love to have a couple places that we go to every year, because that way you don't have to waste any time thinking of new and different things to keep you entertained. If you know the drill and you like the drill, it puts holes in the theory that you need a new drill. We head out to the Hamptons every year to visit our friends Mark and Laurie, and it's such a comfortable feeling to fall into the routine.

     I'm not an expert on the Hamptons, but I know it has a reputation for being somewhat la-di-dah, and I only say that because I don't know the words. But I've never had the feeling that the people who live there thought they were better than me, although they would have said "better than I," which would have been better. It's just a nice, clean section of the universe where people don't feel the need for too many tattoos. The friends who have invited me out there over the years have always been a kind and patient breed of humans, so maybe they are better than me. I'm learning to be patient, because in the summer any trip to Long Island is long.

     Should we take the Throggs or the Whitestone? The three of us disagree. My wife says we ALWAYS take the Throggs and it's ALWAYS a nightmare. I say yes, but that's only because everyone is trying to avoid the Whitestone, which is a worse nightmare. If we sneak up on the Throggs pretending to look like we secretly wanted the Whitestone, we should be fine. The GPS doesn't believe we should attempt the trip at all, and thinks we should go where we went last weekend. I guess I forgot to type in the new destination.

     There's a huge queue in the exit lane to get onto the Cross Island Parkway. "This is why they call it a parkway, we've been parked here for 15 minutes," I say. "Everyone's passing us in the weasel lane only to cut in front of us right before the exit." I feel I should treat the entire highway as an exit, so we're all on a level playing field. I politely cut in front of someone and wave a "thank you" to make it look like his idea. Meanwhile, the GPS says "At the next available opportunity, make a legal U-turn," but it sounds like she's saying, "make illegal U-turn," and I have to rely on my inner compass.

     To avoid the constant jockeying for position on the LIE, I head into the HOV lane. How many occupants does it take to make your vehicle "high occupancy?" Any of them now that marijuana is legal in New York.

     When we get to the beach club the next day, the weather is iffy but it doesn't matter. In the Hamptons you just bend everything into a shape you can use to your advantage. "This crappy weather is the best idea we've had all day. Without a little light rain we would have waited a half hour for a menu at the cafe." The umbrella we brought to the beach finally gets a chance to show what it's made of.

     Saturday night is game night. I found a couple board games on the internet, and they're supposed to teach you something about each other and something about yourself, by trying to make you guess the answer that you thought the other person would say to a question that they are obviously answering differently than they normally would because they know you are trying to think of the answer they think you thought they would say. The thing we learned about ourselves is that the smallest amount of cocktails can make the instructions sound like that last sentence. So we changed the rules to make the game remarkably like charades. Everyone told me not to say one word out loud while I was giving my clues, and to try to cut down on them in between, also.

     At the end of a fabulous weekend I realize I've come to terms with not having a second home. It might have been Diogenes who said, “He who has the most is the most content with the least.” I think that's what he said, it was a while ago and I'm not sure I heard him correctly. The point is, I may not have a house in the Hamptons, but I have three things that are just as good: my ability to find fun wherever I am, and two friends who have a house in the Hamptons.