IT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (10-14-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     Did you hear that William Shatner is going to blast off into space on Jeff Bezos' NS-18 rocket? A thoroughly jazzed Shatner said, "I've heard about space for a long time now," so it appears that he's really done his homework. Also, he was the commander of the original "Star Trek" Enterprise, so he may be able to help if there is a time distortion and the entire crew travels back in time. Plus he knows how to use the lirpa, a traditional Vulcan weapon, in the event they run into trouble. Should they encounter a Tantalus Field which attempts to vaporize the crew, Shatner is well acquainted with that. Also, from his portrayal of Sergeant T.J. Hooker he understands the effects of gravity on television ratings. Let's just say he's a valuable man to have aboard. He was overheard saying that he couldn't wait until launch time, although he might have said "lunchtime."

     Accompanying him on the trip along with others will be Vice President of Mission & Flight Operations Audrey Powers, who describes herself as "an engineer and lawyer." I don't know if that qualifies her for a space mission, but it certainly qualifies her to make out my will on the way up. 

     Didn't there used to be a rigorous training session you had to go through to be considered as an astronaut? You had to be in peak physical condition, you had to undergo extensive anti-gravity acclimation, and you were dropped into the middle of a Central American jungle armed only with survival gear. You had to be well-versed in the operation of the craft's guidance, navigation and control systems. It's true that William Shatner has appeared in a commercial for a nasal irrigation system, in case that comes up during the flight.

     What are we going to do when we get there? Is there a beach near the Sea of Tranquility or anything? With all that tranquility, it doesn't sound like there's going to be a band. It would be fun to go during the "Miss Universe" beauty pageant, so we can really open up the field of competition this time. At least we should be able to find a parking space, since the place is literally called "Space." If they charge for wi-fi I'm going to make a really nasty face, since we'll be passing right through the Twitter-sphere.

     Why are we even going into space in the first place, you're asking yourself, but I heard you anyway. We could be spending all that money here on Earth, where we would never decide how best to waste it. One reason is, look at all the discoveries that were made during the heyday of NASA. For instance, the Dustbuster was originally invented to suck up Moon particles for study back in the lab, and that's why when you look up at the Moon, you can't see one speck of dust on it. What about MREs, or "Meals Repulsive to Eat?" Those freeze-dried Communion wafer-tasting devices that contain all the nutrients you need to exist in an Olive-Garden-free atmosphere. What about de-hydrated water? You just add water, and presto, well I just made that one up.

     There are plenty of others, but I'll tell you why we're REALLY going: Wouldn't it be fun to show up on someone else's planet, find the biggest skeptic and yank his chain a little? "Dude, I heard you don't believe in life on other planets- is that true? If it is, I'm going to have to abduct you and perform a few experiments on you. If it isn't, I'll abduct you and you can perform the experiments on me. Do you speak English by the way? My Spanish is not conversational."

     I don't want to be a pain in the asteroid, but I can't even figure out how to empty the voice mail on my smart phone, so I hope Shatner knows what he's doing. The spaceship itself looks like a giant can of roll-on deoderant, and that's the most G-rated thing I can say about it. I know that there are other privately-funded "space tourism" programs out there, but I'll stick with the one founded by Amazon executive chairman Jeff Bezos. He guarantees one-day delivery, and even though it may cost $28 million for the trip out there, returns are ALWAYS free.