THE LAST HURRAH

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (09-16-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     It seem as if, due to global warming and other factors such as time flying because we're having so much fun, summer keeps getting shorter and shorter. Labor Day is now in the rear view mirror, and even though it's technically not fall yet, I already miss the summer. I know a lot of people who don't even like the summer, and they should just give me their share. My friend Paul won't even entertain the thought of summer and refuses to mention it by name. I on the other hand have to entertain every thought I have, because if I don't they'll just go elsewhere.

     We spent the long weekend at Sylvan Beach, a cute little spot on the eastern shore of lovely Lake Oneida. We weren't the only ones with the idea, but judging by the number of cabin cruisers tethered within wading distance, we were one of the few to arrive by car. We brought our dog Gidget along for the ride, and she is so tuned in to our habits that she started preparing for the trip a week before we did. 

     She knows what the words "trip," and "pet-friendly," and "I know you're going to forget the beach umbrella again" mean. She knows a lot more words than we think, and in fact I had to ask her what "perspicacious" meant. While I was making some coffee she saw the Thermos and she started jumping up and down. I never saw a dog so excited about coffee. She would have jumped through the car window if I had taken one more second to open the door. Once we pulled out of the driveway she slept in a coma the entire trip until we checked into the hotel.

     After a pleasant day at the beach there was such a beautiful sunset that even my hair couldn't possibly ruin a selfie, so I held my wife's phone at arm's length for a shot of the two of us. I snap eight photos as I say the sentence, "I think I'm making a dumb face," and it turns out I'm making a dumb face in all of those. During the eighth one I'm smiling nicely but my wife is saying, "QUIET." But since it's her phone, the one that ends up on Facebook is NOT the one where I'm smiling nicely. 

     While I'm checking in on Facebook I answer a couple quizzes. "Your band's name is the thing you ate last followed by the make of your first car. What is it???" I have to start eating and wearing things that are Facebook-friendly so I don't end up with a stupid band name. "Your alter ego is the the street you grew up on plus the color of the underwear you're wearing right now. What is it????" I hate having to lie about the color of my underwear.

     Plus my cynical side thinks I'm getting scammed by Russian hackers. 'Kremlin Gremlin' posts, "Your secret agent name is your first pet's name plus your Social Security number. What is it???" My gullible side doesn't want to be a spoil sport but it seems like I'm over-sharing.

     At night we take a ride over to the Turning Stone Casino, where we try to think of innovative ways to make ourselves believe that we beat the house. "Well we're only down $30 bucks, and if we had gone someplace way more expensive the drinks would have been $10 each, with a $10 dollar cover charge, and we wouldn't have gotten the entertainment value of the gaming experience. WE WIN!" By the end of the night we've made $7,000 dollars by not flying to Paris first class.

     We eat at the Italian restaurant there, and to save time I just look for something on the menu with "parmigiana" at the end. You could put "Distributor Cap Parmigiana" on the menu and I would order it. There's a gal who comes by to fill up my water glass every time I take a sip, and she seems a little too dialed into my life, so I try to regain control of my narrative by only pretending to take big gulps, and that seems to satisfy her.

     On the trip back home I was already counting the hours until Memorial Day. I saw two leaves falling off a tree and it reminded me: do leaves have to leave so soon? It might already be winter the next time you see me at the beach, so please greet me warmly.