MISSED MANNERS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (10-28-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I was leaving somewhere recently with friends, and without speaking, in a familiar dance, we almost came to blows because everyone wanted to hold the door open for the others, and no one wanted to proceed through it. It's literally a rite of passage, and it made me wonder why we still bother with such archaic niceties. Thank goodness it wasn't a revolving door or it could have been much worse. 

     Many customs that are accepted behavior today were related to simple survival when they were conceived. "Ladies first" probably originated back in the Stone Age, when you brought your wooly rhinoceros back to the cave, and all the knuckledraggers from next door heard about it and rained a hail of rocks and crudely-designed arrows towards your entrance. You tell your family, "We're going to have to get out of here. Honey, I'll get the door. After YOU." And you courteously wave your arm towards the great outdoors.

     Or possibly in the heyday of maritime travel. By the time the Titanic sank, "women and children first" was the order of the day. "Crew, man the lifeboats. Women and children, into the water you go and the rescue officers will pick you up. And let us know if the water is totally freezing, or if it's doable."

     I haven't figured out why people say "bless you" when you sneeze. You can ordinarily recover from sneezing without the blessings of others, whereas coughing might be more problematic and in need of a quick invocation. I'm allergic to cats, and I can sneeze 20 times in a row before the cat leaves to go lick something. You might count my blessings once or twice, but after that you'll probably cut me loose bless-less. Incidentally the cat sneezes a lot too and may be allergic to me.

     There are a lot of table manners to keep track of, too. My wife is always telling me, "Don't talk with your mouth open." I say, "I thought it was 'don't talk with your mouth full?'" She answers, "Okay, well maybe it's better to err on the side of caution." There are quite a few forks and spoons on the table, and they might look exactly the same, but don't be churlish and try to eat salad with a fork that was not designed specifically for that purpose.

     Don't put your elbows on the table. Already there's a thigh of turkey, a rump roast, a rack of lamb, meatballs and a breast of chicken on the table. My elbows are about the most polite body part on there, but whatever. Someone asked me to pass them a dinner roll, and even though I put it right between the numbers with a perfect spiral, everyone gave me a dirty look.

     Chivalry is just the kind of thing that will make me look bad in front of the Queen. I'm on my way to a dinner at the Queen of England's house with a Damsel in Distress by my side, and of course it's pouring outside. "Look at dis dress," she says, "it's going to be ruined if I walk through that puddle!" Without a second thought (I can't share what the first one was) I take off my jacket and spread it on the ground, and she walks over it, sinks in the mud, ruins her dress and starts crying her eyes out. Being a gentlemen I extend her my handkerchief and she blows her nose in it a few times and hands it back. I offer her a cigarette to calm her nerves. "Take one, they're quite bad for you." I don't smoke so I'm trying to get rid of them. She lights it and goes back to the car even more distraught because she doesn't smoke either. When I get to the Queen's house she gives me a disgusted look, more disgusted than the one she usually gives me, and I see that she's looking at the muddy jacket with the snotty handkerchief sticking out, and I'm pretty sure she's not grasping how polite I am.

     I always laugh when I remember seeing photos of Trump in the rain with someone holding an umbrella over him while Melania tags along behind him with beautiful wet hair. If anyone can show us the way out of the era of all this annoying common courtesy, THIS is the leader that can DO it! Until then, I'll still hold the door open for for you, but I might also rudely interrupt the conversation with a joke that only I thought was funny.