CAT TALES

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (11-11-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     If you didn't know that October 29th was National Cat Day, and you didn't get your cat a present, and today that really good book you had almost finished is shredded into a million pieces, now you know why. A cat is a cute, cuddly, furry, friendly, curious, inscrutable, somewhat dangerous, evil, diabolical, devil-worshiping, homicidal bundle of joy, and last Wednesday was his day to shine.

     I always seem to have a cat, and I'm not really sure myself why I like them, if I indeed even do. I think it has to do with the fact that inside a cat's brain there are many lobes and cortexes and synapses, and not one of them is on speaking terms with the others. There is something about the way a cat is wired that seems like it might not be up to code. Every cat I've ever known did something weird, and no matter how embarrassing it was to either of us, was oddly unapologetic about it.

     I had a Siamese cat that used to eat holes in your sweater as if it was a moth. Did you ever see anyone in Siam wearing a sweater? I didn't think so. I had what's known as a "tuxedo cat," which used to enjoy shinnying up your entire body with its claws and perching on your shoulder, which was disconcerting but at least it was impeccably dressed. Once he did it to a contractor that had come to install new windows, and I can't help thinking that we paid more than we should have for those windows. And I had another cat who used to like to play the piano. He wasn't very good at it but he was definitely better than me. The cat I have now (there might be more than one of them) pretends to hate me during the day and at night likes to nestle next to me only if no one else is looking, just like a girl I used to know in high school. I once had a cat that had six toes, whom I guess would have been better at the piano.

     My dog will fetch a tennis ball once in a while, although she won't bring it back to you. A dog is focused on the thing it's playing with, trying to remember what the rules are. But a cat is out there racking it's brain to find a game to beat YOU in. It's making up the rules, then not playing by them. It's personal. My wife has a particular chair that she likes because it's comfortable and easy on her back. The cat has zero interest in that chair the 99 percent of the time that my wife doesn't want to sit in it. For the other one percent, the cat will figure out a way to get into that chair. The go-to move is to use the litter box so vigorously that civilized societal norms dictate that my wife leave the chair to go clean it.

     I had another cat when I was growing up who, if you stared into its eyes, would charge directly at you like a deranged psychopath off his medication, and just when your life had finished flashing in front of you, wold stop and give you that "Aw, I was just messing with you" look. It was surprising both how disturbingly dark that cat's moods were, and boring my life was when it flashed in front of me.

     For once I would like to have a cat that was evil, yes, but not to me. I picture one like Blofeld's Persian cat in the James Bond movie, that sits on my lap and sometimes I let her push the button that drops Bond into the alligator pit, and we both share a laugh over it. Or maybe a cat that torments the moles that are digging up my lawn, and brings me one as a gift. I say, "I'll unwrap it later, because it's kind of gross," and we both share a laugh over it. Or maybe the cat and the mole figure out a way to pay the real estate taxes directly from my bank account and get themselves listed as tennants-in-common owners of my property, have me evicted and share a good laugh over it. See what happens? All cats will eventually come for you, but it does keep you on your claws.

     If I ever catch up with Charles Darwin, he's got a lot of explaining to do about his stupid theories. For instance, If he were here right now he would probably be spouting that crap about homo sapiens being at the top of the food chain. I'm a homo myself, and I get up at 6:00 AM, work 12 hours a day including the commute, pay for the dry cleaning, make dinner and pick up everything the cat knocks over. Felis catus sleeps on the couch for 22 hours out of the day, wears the same outfit all the time, gets all meals for free and licks whatever he wants, whenever he wants. YOU tell ME who won evolution.