2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I
     This was the year that, well, not a whole lot may have happened to you, other than whatever happened in your living room. It was almost worth setting up an obstacle course between there and the kitchen, just so you don't find yourself out of practice when the world starts revolving again. But there were some weird stories out there, and even though I'm telling you that you can't make this stuff up, in this case I actually didn't.

CANADIANS WARNED NOT TO LET MOOSE LICK THEIR CARS
     Last winter electronic signs appeared in Jasper, Alberta, because moose craving salt often find it by slurping the road salt off of car panels. I crave salt sometimes and tried this myself and I could see why it was so dangerous, until someone told me to wait until the cars had stopped. The moose population in the area had grown due to the decline in wolves, and more interactions between humans and moose had been reported. Despite their unusual nature, there were no complaints about the signs from anyone except disappointed cars.

326 MILLION YEAR-OLD MILLIPEDE FOSSIL DISCOVERED IN AUSTRALIA
     The fossilized remains of a giant millipede were discovered when a piece of sandstone fell off a cliff in Northumberland near where a PhD student happened to be walking by. Scientists are still counting its legs to verify its authenticity, but the invertebrate is thought to have lived in the Carboniferous Period before dinosaurs were invented, and even before they came out with the gigapede. Researchers noted that the creature was "as big as a car," which is just rubbing it in for those of us who can't get a car due to the microchip shortage. I don't want to change the subject here, but it's possible that someday in the future a PhD student who happens to be walking by will discover the fossilized remains of my Dodge Dart, which scientists believe to be as big as a prehistoric millipede.

GOVERNMENT RELEASES REPORT ON UFOS
     In June the Office of the Director of National Intelligence issued its Preliminary Assessment of "Unidentified Aerial Phenomena." It was the document that nuts and weirdos have been waiting on for decades, in which the U.S. government finally outlines what they know about the sightings of 144 flying objects, which is almost nothing. The report theorizes that there are probably many different explanations, such as "Airborne Clutter," under which heading it lists birds and plastic bags. What are they trying to hide? The one case that was definitively explained was identified as a large balloon with escaping air, which was somewhat deflating. It reminds me of when people saw Superman flying around and they said, "LOOK! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!" And I said, "Haven't you people seen birds and planes before? Try to get a grip on yourselves and maybe cut down on the espresso." But to think that people from other planets are flying around disguised as plastic bags defies military intelligence. The reality is this: If you were an alien living somewhere with potable water, breathable atmosphere and decent wi-fi, why on Earth would you come here? No one would travel millions of light years through a vacuum, to a planet where smart scientists are made fun of by non-bright people on Facebook.

VENOMOUS SNAKE FOUND IN FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS TREE
     A couple in the Western Cape of South Africa noticed their cat staring at the Christmas tree, and found the source of his fascination to be a four foot boomslang, a highly poisonous snake perched in its branches. This is the kind of thing you usually see on TV, when you know too much and somebody tries to kill you by leaving a snake in your refrigerator. I saw this exact thing on Starsky and Hutch. Surprisingly the plan failed, although the two perished two years later as the result of poor ratings. I'm sure the snake was roundly criticized at the post-mortem: "You jack-asp, you had ONE job and that was to kill Starsky." To which the snake replied, "If you wanted me to bite somebody, why did you leave me in a refrigerator with half a meatball pizza in it?" Just for the record, if a poisonous snake bites you, you should not try to suck the poison out of the wound, at least not until you know the wound better, and you should definitely not try to suck the poison out of the snake.

     And that's a few of the stories you had to wait two thousand and twenty-one years to hear, and I hope they were worth it. I'll be back next week with part two of the year in review. Happy New Year!