HOLIDAY ON WHEELS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-30-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Last week with December 25th fast approaching, we were looking for a little holiday spirit and thought we might find it on somebody's lawn. So we joined our town's caravan of lights to see what our neighbors were up to. We fell in behind a group of cars with their blinkers on, following one of the town's salt spreaders around the local streets to take a look at peoples' Christmas decorations. We took it on good faith that the salt spreader had the same general agenda we did, and wasn't simply out spreading salt. We took it on even more faith the the guy in front of us with his blinkers on was on the tour and didn't just panic that his "CHECK ENGINE" light was flashing.

     It reminded me of what funeral processions were probably like before the GPS was invented and everybody just assumed that the hearse knew where it was going. If it got lost down a narrow dead-end street, the hearse driver would have to yell to the car behind him, "We need to all make a K-turn- pass it down." But our caravan rolled on full steam ahead with no K-turns. My wife found a satellite station with all Christmas carols to set the mood, and I heard that angelic refrain, "Do you see what I see?" And I sang my usual response, "Not without my glasses...."

     We saw a car with Ohio plates trying trying to get out of the DeCicco's parking lot, and we let him in ahead of us. He stayed with the tour for about half an hour, I guess thinking that he had come all this way for groceries and he might as well have a look around and see what else is going on. We rolled by Arnie's house, which is a winter wonderland of lights, inflatables and decorations. There is so much going on in that front lawn that I can't believe there is a spare ampere for any of the neighbors to run their hair dryer. I would guess you can see it from the Space Station, but that wasn't on the tour.

     I have my preferences in Christmas decorations. I'm not partial to those lights that come in a net that you just throw over your bushes as if they were trying to get away. I need you to suffer a little bit for the right look. If you didn't fall off a ladder and break something stringing those lights around your tree, get up there and try again. I also like it when you hang icicle lights from all the eaves on your house. I like it when YOU do it, but I'm not doing it. I can just picture me on that ladder and my Dad yelling, "Hey Buddy, clean the gutters while you're up there!" And my whole Saturday is completely shot. 

     "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" pops onto the radio. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." I'm not exactly sure how he knows all this, but I'm a little freaked out and I'm changing all my internet passwords the minute I get home. 

     There were some weird Nativity Scenes, with Jesus, and Joseph and Mary looking on, and also some elves, the Grinch, Snoopy and a lot of players that were never brought up in "Away in a Manger." Some did not bring gifts or even a card. By the way, I've always noticed that there are a lot of pictures of Jesus as a baby, and pictures of him as a man, and he always looks good. And I'm not complaining or anything, but if it had been me, all anyone would ever see is me as a 12 year-old, making goofy faces and wearing an idiotic hat.

     "O Tannenbaum" came on the radio in German, but it always reminds me of this guy Tannenbaum who used to beat me at tennis all the time. He was not a charitable winner either, and that song makes me want to do things to his mailbox that are not in the spirit of giving. But we rolled on. There was a house with about a dozen inflatable objects on the lawn, and whoever blew them all up is probably in an oxygen tent at this moment hyperventilating. I notice that people are a lot more tolerant of reindeer on their lawn during the holidays than they usually are. The last thing I want on my property is an inflatable deer eating all my inflatable azaleas. 

     I could see a beautiful show of blue and red lights spinning in the distance, but it turned out to be two police cars making a traffic stop. If it was that guy from Ohio with his "CHECK ENGINE" light flashing, he should have stuck with us- our movement was almost imperceptible. I'd like to wish him a happy holday anyway. Happy holidays to all of you, too!