AT THE OLYMPICS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 02-17-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Naturally, I'd love to be competing in the Olympics at my chosen sport, but my Olympic dreams were dashed by something that happened many years ago: everyone noticed that I had not an athletic bone in my body. If someone had been able to locate an athletic bone in my body, THAT'S the one I would have broken the day before the big race. So I'll have to enjoy it on television like everybody else.

     There is plenty of backdrop; the pandemic is still an issue and people are testing positive, which is a negative. Human rights in China come up as they always do. The subject of climate change can't be overlooked. I was watching the Women's Super-G, and there was only man-made snow where they were racing, which I guess you'd call the Super-G spot.

     But the Olympics are an opportunity to leave all that behind and focus only on what the mind and body can do when pushed to their very limits, while possibly on steroids. First, you need to learn the Olympic jargon. For instance, in the Slopestyle ski event, you've got to "put it down." Which means what "stick the landing" used to mean. If you can't "put it down," well, you should have thought of that before you went up. While you're hurtling around in the air you're supposed to grab part of your snowboard or ski, which is not at all what I would be grabbing under the same set of circumstances. In Figure Skating, there is a series of spins and turns referred to as "twizzles," and you want your twizzles to sizzle, not fizzle.

     There is a skating jump called a "Flying Camel Spin." Yes, it's an interesting move, but what I think we should be focusing on is: exactly who was the person who saw a skater land that jump and said, "You know what that looks like? A flying, spinning camel?" That was probably the day drug testing became a regular thing. Another girl performed two perfect "triple toe loops," implying that she has six toes. I don't know if the Olympic Committee needs to take a look at this, but if it is legal then I'm entering my cat in the next Olympics. Some skaters looked too tall for the short program, another thing the Committee should evaluate. 

     I have some questions of my own, such as, do ice skaters spin in the opposite direction south of the Equator? Also, at the end of the skating exhibition people skate up to you with a bouquet of roses. Why does nobody ski up to you with roses at the end of the skiing competition?

     Who am I to judge? I'm an expert at judging now, that's who. Everyone is after a week of watching the Olympics. But I'm not going to nickel-and-dime you with these tenth of a point deductions for dumb things like where you put your hands, or how how high you jumped, or if you didn't spin around as many times as you said you would. I'll be deducting for more important things, like whether you use too much garlic, or if you had plastic surgery that gave you duck lips, or for each time you say "It is what it is." I was watching a Russian girl snowboard, and the announcer said that they would be judging her on her execution, which is something I thought we would never see again after the fall of the tsarist regimes.

     Some things about the Olympics are different than they ever were. For instance, there is a lot more scrutiny and social media commentary regarding post-event interviews. A television announcer spoke with an American skier who was expected to medal, and instead fell at the top of the slope. It was like interviewing an open wound. There was also a tightly controlled interview with tennis star Peng Shuai, who has been missing from public view after making allegations against a Party bigwig. I read the entire transcript of the interview, and to me it raised more questions than it answered. My main question is: What the hell did she say? The whole thing was in Chinese.

     But there were lots of exciting moments, plenty of competitive events. For instance, there is the Half-pipe event, which reminds me of something a plumber once said to me after I tried to install my own dishwasher: "Where's the other half of that pipe?" I could also certainly devote an entire column to the sport of Olympic Curling, but in China, curly hair does not seem like a high priority. Also, if you were unfamiliar with Ravel's "Bolero," you'll know it by heart at the end of the Figure Skating competition. I guess it is what it is, and I owe you a tenth of a point deduction for saying that but it was worth it.