RICK MELEN'S SUPER SUNDAY PRIMER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 02-10-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

I don't know if I'm ready for a full-blown Super Bowl party just yet, but we're having a little get-together of some friends that are vaccinated against coronavirus, smallpox, and in fact any-sized pox. It's time to start living again, time to go back to being frightened of the things we used to be frightened of before the pandemic: spiders, trigonometry and redheads. I've even invented a new cocktail for the occasion, it's called a "vaccini," and you make it with a dash of dry vermouth, a couple ounces of gin and a splash of ivermectin. For those of you who might be new to the Big Game, I've put together a compendium of some of the phrases and jargon you're likely to hear during the broadcast, and exactly what they mean:

"We're going to take what the defense gives us...." This is something coaches tell their players before the game, when there is still some hope that the defense is going to give them anything. After the game has been lost 45-0, at the press conference the Head Coach can then explain that the defense gave them nothing, and would not accept a personal check even with two forms of identification.

"He seems to be a bit shaken up out there...." If a player is lying face down on the field in a pool of blood with all his limbs facing to different compass points, the announcers may  describe him as "shaken up." To me, "shaken up" is how you might describe a can of Yoo-hoo or Yahtzee dice, and I never once heard a medical professional use the phrase in a diagnostic context.

"We're not going to speculate on the extent of his injury...." This sentence is followed by a period of intense speculation on the extent of a player's injuries, along with gruesome video in slow motion that on any other broadcast would garner an "R" rating.

"We're told that he's undergoing concussion protocols right now...." Concussion protocols are where they ask you a series of questions, such as your name, the date, who is the current rightful President of the United States, and they determine whether you are suffering the after-effects of a serious blow to the head, or have always been this dumb.

"He's calling an 'audible' right now...." If the quarterback sees a configuration that might result in a serious blow to the head, and does not see the immediate value of "taking what the defense gives him," he may shout out a different play just before the snap. Since there are 70,000 fans screaming various other things at the players, some of which are not technically true, the resulting modification is heard by only the two or three players nearest to the quarterback, and totally inaudible to the rest.

"You don't want to miss Halftime for ANY reason today...." Normally, this is a phrase that underestimates the amount of chocolate in my refrigerator. Certainly the Halftime Show at the Super Bowl is ramped up, with an artist of international renown pretending to sing a medley of his or her greatest hits, consisting of two or three words each. There is a lot of dancing, some fireworks, and an aerobat parachuting into the stadium, sometimes on purpose.

"He left it all on the field...." This is a line that coaches tell a player to inspire him to play his hardest, expend every ounce of his energy and have no regrets at the end of the game, other than that he did not sign a guaranteed contract. This is why coaches get paid so much, because I would have wasted that line on a player who couldn't find his keys and wallet.

Well, I hope this helps you enjoy the game. I'm going to have to get used to being around people in person again, because right now I'm used saying mostly inappropriate things while wearing my bathrobe. If you want to use a facemask during Super Bowl, go right ahead. Just be aware that if you use one on the football field it will result in a 15-yard penalty.