GREEN MOUNTAIN STATE OF MIND

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-24-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     We took a long-weekend final ski trip of the season up to Stowe, Vermont, where we had rented a wonderful "ski-in, ski-out" condo. I got off to a rocky start, but I guess I should have put the skis on AFTER I went down the stairs. You've never seen me ski so I might as well just come out and say it: I am an expert skier. I could ski the black diamonds if I wanted to but I haven't used up my insurance deductible yet. I stick to the green and blue trails because they're longer and more scenic. It would be nice to have a more descriptive color scheme. I almost killed myself on an intermediate hill, and at the bottom I was yelling to no one in particular, "That was a blue slope? That was a dark navy, if anything, perhaps bordering on steel-gray." Excuse my blue language, but naming ski slopes is not for the color-blind.
     At Stowe you can ski trails with names like "Hacksaw" and "Nosedive." Names that represent ways that I could injure myself at home without having to spend $150 bucks on a lift ticket. I was looking around the map for something that would reflect a challenging, demanding run, something that would bring out the athlete in me but not attract daredevils skiing out of control. Maybe a trail name like "Kitten," or "Pillow," or "Naptime" would be the right one for me. A saw that there was a gondola at the bottom, how romantic! I picture a mustachioed gondolier rowing us up the mountain, maybe singing something in Italian, like "Row, row, row your boat."

     It's safe to say that Vermont is a different species than New York. There was a sign on the highway that said MOOSE- STAY ALERT. I'm not exactly sure if the sign was for him or me, but I realized I had never seen a moose in person, and not just because I wasn't alert. They don't have mooses in the zoos or game parks that I've ever been to, so I guess you could say that no moose has seen me in moose, either. It can't be because they favor the cold climate, because I've seen panda bears, polar bears and even bipolar bears. Perhaps they don't do well in captivity. Neither do I- it's been exactly two years now. 

     There is a lot of headwear in Vermont. Knit caps and baseball hats are very popular, and they wear them even indoors at the local tavern. It seemed like they were expecting inclement weather to break out inside the bar, or worse yet, a baseball game. We saw a fabulous bluegrass band and they were so lively my feet couldn't keep still. The rest of me was tired from skiing and didn't budge, so it must have looked a little strange. 

     They're pretty progressive up there, and it shows up just about everywhere. At the restaurant you could order vegetarian, vegan, ovo-vegan or even lacto-ovo-vegan, where you order a free-range chicken but your plate shows up with just part of the range. I'm a reverse-vegan, I wait around for whatever they refuse to eat. I could order the "impossible burger," but why bother, with odds like that?

     There was a shop that sold "artisan coffee," whatever that means. I picture an artisan with a block of wood and a chisel, sculpting a spectacular cup of coffee that will stand the test of time. If it stands the test of time for more than five minutes, it's too cold for me to drink so it better look really good on a pedestal in my atrium.

     As we were ready to leave we noticed that gas prices had shot up through the roof, and now I understood why you should wear your hat indoors. The price went up 50 cents a gallon from the time I started pumping until the time I finished. Excuse my crude language, but crude oil prices have that effect on you right now. Remember cash? You might have to figure out how to use it again, because it's a boatload cheaper at the pump. Maybe they should add a third price for Venmo? They used to list the price per gallon to a tenth of a penny, like 1.99 and 9/tenths. I always wanted to buy exactly one gallon, give the kid two bucks and ask for change just to see what would happen. Now you can just round it off to the nearest dollar.

     Vermont has it all, artisan coffee, craft beer, mulled cider and fresh maple syrup. And if none of that tickles your fancy, they sell worms at the supermarket. So if your dinner date doesn't like your menu, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.