MEAL OF FORTUNE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-14-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I don't know about you, but we can only survive so long without a trip to the Chinese restaurant. A well-rounded diet needs "tree-ears," bamboo shoots and water chestnuts. People who think that bamboo shoots are only for torture are really missing out. It's hard to believe I would ever eat any of those things once I found out what they were, because I don't normally pride myself on having the same eating habits as a binturong. But now I'm disappointed if I don't see them on the menu. I blame my wife for all this, who was born in Hong Kong where her parents were foreign correspondents. 

     Ironically, rarely do you eat off of china at a Chinese restaurant. But I do always ask for chopsticks. To use them effectively tap them end-up on the table so that they're the same length, anchor one in the crook between your thumb and forefinger, and move the other with your thumb and first two fingers. If you can pick up one grain of rice you're a high intermediate, and if you can pick up the check you're an expert, at least in my book. To a drummer though, chopsticks are SO much more, especially if there are at least two glasses of water and two glasses of beer on the table. You may hear the glass as half empty but as an optimist drummer I hear it as a whole note. If there's a cowbell around so much the better, unless it's still attached to the cow.

     What I like about the Chinese menu is the variety. With other types of cuisine, you have chicken, beef or veal and they are prepared in different ways, using different sauces, sides and cooking techniques. With Chinese food you start with the other stuff, and just mention whether you want chicken, beef or pork in it. 

     "I'll try the orange chicken," I said to the waiter, who shook his head, "no." He said, "80 percent of the people who order that send it back." (I kid you not) I couldn't believe my ears, a.) that he would actually be honest enough to tell me that, and b.) that diners would send it back- the postage to China must be an arm and a leg. I said, "Does it come in any other colors? Never mind, I'll just have the short ribs- how tall are they?" He seemed fine with that choice, and said, "And it does not come with monosodium glutamate, in case you need to know." I said, "Fine, then I'll have mine on the side."

     But for all the different choices of entrees, when you get to the end of the meal it's slim pickings. "Can we see the dessert menu?" I say, just to see the blank stare. "Okay, well just bring us two cups of coffee." An even blanker blank stare. "All right then, I guess we'll have fortune cookies for dessert. But can we at least choose our fortune?" Sometimes they come with an orange, there are certainly a few of those left over from the chicken dish that nobody ordered.

     Don't rip your fortune in half or it won't come true. DO keep your eyes open in case it does. Some are cryptic: "You will know it when you see it; it will know you when it sees you." What we both do after that is anybody's guess. "Do what you love; the rest will fall into place." Which is good news because I'm not getting enough sleep. "Follow what calls you," probably referring to my boss.

     Confucius was born in 551 BC, and is often credited with writing what became the known as the Golden Rule centuries later. But he never wrote fortunes for cookies. He did say things like, "When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them," but he also said things like, "You're standing on my foot," which remain enigmatic even today.

     As a romantic evening for two a Chinese restaurant may not have occured to you, but maybe you might reconsider. You could re-enact the spaghetti scene from "Lady and the Tramp" using lo mein noodles, for instance. Or, during a quiet moment of intimacy, whisper the words "kung pao" and see if the idea goes anywhere. Careful, there's a little picture of a flame by some of the selections to warn you that they might spontaneously combust should you do anything remotely sexy. Bon appétit, or as the Chinese say, "chī, chī, chī!"