PLAYING THE MARKET

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-07-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     This little piggy went to market, and people who hardly shop for groceries should take a few moments to appreciate those heroes who do. Those people that run into a crowded supermarket when the rest of us are running out (of food). I'll spend my few moments right here, because I had to do the food shopping for a couple weeks and I get exhausted all over again just thinking about it.

     First I test-drive a few shopping carts to find one with decent handling. I don't need rack-and-pinion steering, but I won't tolerate a dead wheel because at some point when no one is looking I'm going to air that baby out at a dead run and then put my feet up on the chassis and see how far I can coast without running into the grapefruit display. That's the kind of thing guys do when women aren't looking. I found a sporty model that actually had a cup holder on it so that I wouldn't spill my cocktail if only I had remembered to bring one. I kept my eye open for something to put in there a little stronger than a bottle of salad dressing. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

     Americans can complain about a lot of things, and Freedom of Choice should be one of them. If that's in the Bill of Rights they should take it out as soon as possible. In countries where they don't have 37 different brands of dog food, I contend that the people are much happier, and I wouldn't be surprised if the dogs are happier, too. I hate that guilty feeling when I don't get my dog the healthiest blend of USDA-approved, vet-sanctioned, human-grade balanced recipes with no by-products. I'm not even sure I DIDN'T get my dog that, and I'm also not sure if I would eat it myself if I were a dog (not one of them mentioned Kit Kat bars or pizza in the ingredients). Thinking of all those sad, shivering dogs out in the cold, chained to a trash bin in the ASPCA ad, maybe I should spend another 20 minutes looking at the carbohydrate count on the label. But in the end I bought something that looked like an order of sesame chicken. Time is passing me by as I look at dog food labels and even though quality of life is important, quantity of life is important too.

     This is how supermarkets play me for the fool that I am: I wanted a few croissants to make a nice breakfast sandwich this weekend, but all they had was a package with literally 25 croissants in it, so then I had to think of 25 different things that you could put on a croissant, and by the time I worked my way down to peanut butter my cart was already half full.

     At that moment I came face-to-faceplate with an actual robot. It was standing in front of something that had dropped onto the floor yelling, "CAUTION! CAUTION!" Once I had ascertained that my life was not in immediate danger, I realized that the thing on the floor was my shopping list, but the robot wouldn't let me retrieve it, lest I trip and fall slipping on it. Anyone who's job might be replaced by this particular robot would be much better off that way. It was more likely that the robot's job would be replaced by a human, one who was good at thinking of stuff to do to make himself look busy (my retirement job?). 

     It had sort of a "Lost in Space" demeanor, but I wondered if maybe it was more advanced than it looked, possibly trying to glean data from me about how I shopped and what I was interested in to transmit back to the team in market marketing. So I threw a few curve balls into its path like, "I heard they're getting a female robot," and "I wish they had a gin and tonic dispenser here like at the ones upstate."

     When it was time for checkout I realized I didn't have any coupons, so I would have to pay the full asking price. There was a lady with a supermarket pin standing in front of a machine asking me if I wanted to checkout myself. I said, "No, just give it to me straight: what's my hair doing right now?" I couldn't believe how much the bill was. If you can't afford a new car you can always get a used one, but with food that concept doesn't work nearly as well.

     So if you're young and single and carefree and you happen to be reading this, look a few years into the future and picture yourself lost in a supermarket, with a shopping cart full of alcoholic beverages, 37 brands of dog food, being yelled at by a robot. Now go out and find yourself someone that you'd like to walk down the aisle with, it hardly matters which one.