A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-11-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I consider myself an amateur ornithologist, which is someone who studies birds just for fun. I don't get paid for most of the things I do on a daily basis, so for instance I also take out the garbage and do the dishes "just for fun." Birds are all around us, offering clues about our history and about our future on this planet. Their migratory habits are affected by climate change and a shrinking natural environment, and their behavior might offer insights about when we can expect cheaper flights to Florida.

     Unlike most other wild animals, they don't even bother to hide from humans, since it's obvious that we aren't as smart and can't fly. Most of the time you hear them before you even see them. Some even engage in a constant stream of chatter, and without seeming presumptuous I can only assume some of it is about us, like whenever I hear two Russian people conversing. In fact I KNOW birds are talking about us, because as I was just about to get into my Dodge Dart the other day I heard a bird say, "Cheep! Cheep!" The word "parsimonious" is apparently hard for birds to say.

     Here are some common bird calls you might recognize. If you hear, "Cheer-up cheerily! Cheer-up cheerily!" It may be an American robin, or it may be this girl I know at work who never seems to know when she's had enough coffee. The Eastern phoebe sings, "Phee-bee, phee-bee," in two notes, always in the same key, has never learned a third note in all this time. If they're using this call to attract a mate, and they actually succeed, it's going to be a match made in boring heaven.

     The black-capped chickadee and the whippoorwill also sing their own name, and it makes me think that if these birds can be taught to sing their own name, why can't they learn at least a couple verses of "Row Your Boat?" The titmouse issues a chirping "Pee-per, pee-per, pee-per" call. It's not much, but the bird is just relieved that it doesn't sing its own name like the others do. 

     We have a crow living in the woods near our the house that sounds a little like Edward G. Robinson. I'd like to know if it does any other impressions, because I do a pretty good Peter Lorre and I imagine us striking up a conversation and dishing about Barbara Stanwyck.

     You can identify a catbird because it really does meow like a cat. And if you're still unconvinced, it will fly over to your kitchen table, sit on the newspaper you're trying to read and knock all your pens onto the floor. "Who cooks for you!" Is the call of the barred owl. It's not unexpected that they would ask for a recommendation, because they generally eat raw field mice without even a pinch of garlic.

     The cardinal says, "Pick-a-girl, pick-a-girl" and follows it up with a series of fast tweets. It has an active social life. The common grackle makes the same sound as when you get an answer wrong on a television game show. If you guess correctly it makes the same sound, so it's hardly worth the effort. The mourning dove slowly coos, "Whoo, whoo, WHOO (this one three whole tones higher) whoo." It's been singing that same sad dirge since they canceled "Game of Thrones." The Northern bobwhite sounds more like it's saying "BLURtle, BLURtle," but whoever first heard one probably thought that would be a dumb name for a bird.

     My sister Kath finally got around to taking her front door Christmas wreath down, and when she heard a cacophony of chirping she was so startled that she dropped it on the ground in a panic. There was a nest with babies in it and one of the neighbors kindly put it back where it was. Contrary to common lore, birds will not shun a nestling that has been handled by humans, unless you have really smelly hands, and in that case you're probably used to shunning.

     So next time you leave the house, listen for some of these colorful avian friends and see if you can decipher what they're saying. Is it the goldfinch mating call? If directed at you it's kind of awkward. For myself, I don't find the mockingbird particularly endearing. I can't go out to the mailbox and back without this so called "songbird" chiming in about my hair, or what I look like in shorts.