THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (09-15-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     It's now September and as I sit in my car, stuck behind a school bus that stops at EVERY kid's house, I have plenty of time to think that if I only had children, at least the bus driver would probably be yelling at my kid, saving me the trouble of doing it myself, and I'd actually be saving time right now. When I was that age I had to walk a good half mile to the bus stop, and usually the half mile wasn't even that good. 

     Sometimes somebody asks me, do you ever regret not having children? There are pros and cons. To bear children is to cultivate a source of cheap labor, and maybe you can eventually get them to mow the lawn, but these days, kids expect to be paid for it. From the time your children are old enough to babysit for each other, you can expect their Venmo account name to come up during any conversation they have with you. 

     I was never asked to babysit when I was younger, even though I was extremely responsible. In fact, if you were to ask my parents, they'd tell you that everything bad that ever happened in our house, I was responsible for. We didn't get paid for the work we did, instead we were given an "allowance." Which was ironic because we weren't allowed to do anything.

     What if my kids ask me to play sports with them and they learn I'm not that great at it? "Dad, can we kick around the soccer ball? I have a game on Saturday." "Tell you what, Son, I have a project coming up at work, why don't we kick around a few ideas instead? Or how about Scrabble? I was quite good at it when I was in better shape. I was going to go out for football but my feet weren't as athletic as the rest of me wasn't." "Dad, my sports are soccer and lacrosse- you should know that by now." I say, "Ah, lacrosse, I am quite familiar with it. That thing that looks like a stick with a jock strap attached to it. The game was actually played by Native American tribes and named by the French colonists. In French, 'lacrosse' means 'the crosse.'" Eventually the kid leaves and I win father-of-the-year AGAIN.

     What if they ask me to help them with their homework? "Dad, can you help me with a math question?" I say, "Of course I can, son. What is the answer to y=7x?" "Exactly Dad, what is the answer" "I have no earthly idea, you only asked me to help with the question." I guess I could instruct him in English, since I am sort of a writer, right? "Son, just remember this rule: 'i before e, except after c.' It carries a lot of weight." "What about the word 'weight?'" "Okay, Son, well if you're not sure just look it up in the dictionary. It's the big fat book over there with all the dust on it." He says, "How can I look up how to spell it if I don't know how to spell it?" If kids are already so smart what are all these school taxes for?

     What if I have to have "The Talk" with my son? "Why don't you ask Mom?" I ask. "Mom told me it's a Father/Son thing so ask YOU." Nobody had "The Talk" with me, but mostly my Dad yelled at me, so he might have yelled "The Talk" at me at some point. "Here: why don't you watch this movie." I hand him a DVD. "Dad this is the movie, 'After Hours.' It has nothing to do with any of this." "I know Son, but it's a really good movie. Do me a favor and let me know if you think Teri Garr and Rosanna Arquette are hot in it. If not, we'll need to have a completely different Talk."

     I always hear parents say, "I love my kids to DEATH," and they don't seem to be just kidding. I'd like to think that it's no reflection on how much my parents loved me that I'm the one who's still alive. I'm sure they somewhat loved me, but I also know that children are like burritos; the further you are removed from your experience with them, the better they seemed.

     I'm in the process of making out my will, and I don't have any kids to leave my fortune to. Come to think of it, I don't have the fortune either. But there's something slightly comforting about the fact that no one will be that upset when I spend my very last dime on a really ugly and expensive watch that confirms everyone's suspicions that I was senile.

     People used to ask me if we were thinking about having children, and I would say, maybe one day. At the end of that day I wouldn't be surprised if they asked to be put up for adoption.