GREETINGS FROM ASBURY PARK

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (09-08-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic
 

     Time is running out before the days get shorter, so short you can barely make them out even with your reading glasses on. The Jersey Shore is still open though, to help you wring out the last drops of summer. I stayed for a weekend near Asbury Park, and you'd think that with the word "Park" right in the name, it would be easier to do. By the time I found an open space I had worked up quite an appetite. 

     I don't mind tavern food for dinner, the choices are limited so it speeds up the decision process. We're in a drought so I thought it irresponsible to order hot wings and have to wash them down with gallons of water. The girl next to me ordered them and spontaneously combusted. Instead I ordered a beer as an appetizer, and the barmaid who served me had false eyelashes so long that they arrived a few minutes before my beer did. It's probably not good form to use the word "barmaid" these days, I don't want to imply that she's there to tidy up the place. She could be a qualified mixologist for all I know, after years of schooling to become a lawyer but never passing the bar without actually working there.

     After dinner the place filled up and a DJ started spinning records, or whatever the electronic eqivalent of DJ is, perhaps also "mixologist." All of a sudden a huge cloud descended on the dance floor, and I thought great, this might help the drought. But it wasn't a rain cloud, it was just a superfluous cumulus. I've looked at clouds from both sides now, and still somehow, I'm not sure why they sometimes form in bars.

     The dance floor was so crowded that the last thing you'd expect was for a limbo contest to break out, but that's exactly what happened. Who knows where people would get a limbo stick, but I guess Security was too polite to mention it when they patted you down at the door. Excuse me sir but is that a limbo stick in your pocket? It was goofy and fun however, and useful to see exactly how low some people are willing to stoop.

     The following day, the beach is the perfect place to nurse a hangover, because your misery has plenty of company. I trudged out there with a beach chair, my broken foot still in a walking boot. I read that they discovered new dinosaur tracks in Texas and the ones I left walking around in that boot were bigger. Millions of years from now when they discover those tracks, they can speculate on how tall I stood and if I was carnivorous or not. 

     I lie around under my umbrella, read a book, do the crossword and people-watch to see if anyone is doing anything they'll regret later. I used to court danger at the beach, I'd go body surfing in big waves, parasailing, or I went snorkeling in places that barracuda are known to frequent. I read someplace that the barracuda are attracted to your watch, but if they eat me to get my watch, the joke's on them because it's a cheap watch. It's supposed to be water-resistant to 50 meters, and if it stops working under the ocean it's because I don't know how many feet are in a meter. 

     Anyway, I've learned in my old age that the shore is no place to test your bravery. There were a bunch of people on a banana boat, that floatable tube that's shaped like a banana and towed behind a speed boat, and even that looked like too much fun for my own good. "Rick Melén perished falling off a banana boat yesterday, although it was not moving at the time. He was likely attacked by barracuda, possibly for his watch which, while water-resistant, was sadly not barracuda-resistant."

     The weekend ends totally uneventfully, just the way I like it. Even the ride home was pretty smooth, and so little traffic that I didn't know what to do with myself. I was daydreaming a little, and when I looked down at the pavement there was the word "ONLY" written on the road. I missed the beginning of the sentence but I guess certain drivers are not allowed on the Garden State Parkway. It must not be a very exclusive club if I'm allowed in it. I thought things were going quite well in fact, but for no discernable reason my GPS lady announced that she was adding 20 minutes to my trip. Why is it that no one ever thinks to add 20 minutes to something that I ENJOY doing?