WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-30-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     Sometimes, especially around tax season, you just need to disappear for a little while, somewhere not too far, someplace with just enough going on to keep you busy. A trip to one of the region's many casinos seemed like the perfect weekend getaway. My goal was to let the trip pay for itself by winning $10,000 dollars or so and split the proceeds equally, 70-30, with my wife. I felt a little bad that she wasn't getting 50 percent, so I told her we could split it 70-50.

     We went to Resorts World in the Catskills, finished in 2017 on the site of the old Concord Hotel. It's one of four non-Native American casinos that were approved by the New York legislature in 2013. By the way, is it just me or did it take a long time to stop calling people "Indians?" I figured out right away that I wasn't from India, and I was born in the same state as every one of the people we called "Indians."

     You also won't hear casinos use the word "gambling" anymore, because they don't want to bring up the fact that you could lose your shirt, since there is a "no shirt, no service" policy. Instead, they refer to it as "gaming," and maybe it remind you how much fun it is to lose your shirt. It's all about good sportsmanship, because it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game, as long as you don't mind that the games are stacked against you.

     There are several to choose from, which require varying degrees of skill. Roulette is strictly a game of chance, where you bet that the little white ball will land on a certain number, red or black or various combinations of possibilities when the wheel stops spinning. In craps, you bet that a roll of the dice will turn up a certain number before another number appears. There is a little more chance to use strategy in poker or blackjack, but in all the games you place your bet based upon your perception of the odds. 

     I picture myself as a James Bond type, and I'm at the Baccarat table surrounded by three gorgeous blondes, a redhead and a greenhead (it happened to be St. Patrick's Day). Baccarat is a card game along the lines of blackjack, and it appeals to me because you only need to be able to count to nine instead of twenty-one. Next to me is a stack of chips the likes of which I've never seen outside of a Pringles can. I knew that if I could "count the shoe" my chances of winning were pretty good. It looked like there was just one shoe, so that was a time-saver. I could focus on my duties as a man of mystery. I looked over the rest of the players, trying to guess which one was the mole. I figured there may be some dirt on him and he might have to go back underground soon. 

     I was jolted out of my reverie by the sound of my stomach growling, so I thought I might hit the slot machines before dinner. The blondes are gone and in their place is an old guy with no hair on his head but a lot in his ears. I figure if I can win 50 percent more than I started with, I'd settle for that. I choose a machine that has a picture of an attractive harem girl who seems to be in possession of a lot of gold, and I can tell by her smile that she is looking for someone to share it with who knows how to re-write a will. It's a penny slot, so all I have to do is win 1.5 cents, and I can walk away having achieved my objective. 

     We took a break and ate at a very nice Chinese restaurant in the casino. So many choices, I had to narrow it down by the process of elimination. I steered clear of the "Semi Dry Squid" because I didn't have time to wait around for it to dry completely. I also did not order the "Ho Fun," a friendly sounding dish whose main ingredients are shrimp, bean sprouts and at least two varieties of misdemeanors. I settled on the Orange Chicken since I had never seen one that color before, and I was not disappointed.

     After dinner I returned to the same slot machine that I had made some charitable donations to before; I guess I felt sorry that it only had one arm. I knew that my luck had to change at some point. And my luck did change, when it went from bad to appalling. Then all of a sudden a flashing, ringing, dinging banner lit up and said, "YOU BROKE THE BANK!!" And at last I was home free, and I was ecstatic, that is until I learned how much they were charging me to repair it.