TAKEN FOR A RIDE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-13-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     My car turned 10 years old a year ago and I'm sure it was expecting a nice birthday party with a clown or maybe a magician. Instead I put out an online ad to sell it, and I figured I'd take that cash and along with some money I had in a separate account, waltz into the new car dealership and ride out in my new ride. A guy answered the ad, and he was impressed that I had secured my new vehicle right in the midst of the computer microchip crisis. The WHAT? I had heard something about a chip shortage, but it didn't seem to affect potato chips so I didn't see how it applied to me. 

     And so the new car I wanted was back-ordered for nine months, and if I did find one it was marked up so much that even the sticker price wouldn't stick. I was so frustrated that I was willing to do just about anything to find some microchips for my new car. My dog has a chip inside her somewhere, and it's a darn good thing I don't know exactly where. It's not like my dog needs power steering.

     But lately somehow car manufacturers have started finding more of them, and believe me, microchips are not easy to spot. The dealership started returning my calls. "Are you currently working with a member of our sales staff?" Said the receptionist. I said I assumed he was going to work by himself, but I can understand why he wants me to work with him. I'm not very good with numbers and would probably give myself a much worse deal on the car. On her next call she said, "I hope I'm catching you at a good time because I was hoping to connect with you." That is exactly the kind of phrase that even my email spam filter is suspicious of.

     I showed up ready to haggle on the price, but they weren't going to budge. And I realized I was going to miss out on all the back-and-forth dealing at the dealership, where the salesman writes down a number on a slip of paper, and I make a counter-offer, and he tries to sell me undercoating and an extended warranty, and I let him think he's getting me to pay more than I wanted to, and he let's me think I'm getting a great deal, and finally he says, "I'm going to have to talk to my manager," and the manager pretends to play hard ball with both of us until we all go home slightly dissatisfied.

     How was I going to pay for the car, he asked. Salespeople are trained to read a person's signs immediately, and it was clear that he read the sign, "SLIPPERY ROAD AHEAD." I told him that I had recently embezzled all I needed to pay cash, and that was good enough for him. Then we discussed options for a while. I still don't know what all the buttons in my wife's car do. The pictures next to them are not very realistic. There's button with a picture of a guy who looks like he's about to be thrown from an ejector seat. I'm waiting until someone I don't like happens to be in the car, and then I'm going to casually press that switch and see what happens. I'll open the sunroof first. 

     I'd like my new car to be able to squirt an oil slick out the back in case someone is tailgating me, or emit a smoke-screen, but he said that for those options I would need a larger package. I said I'm fine with my package the way it is. He kept adding things onto the price and I was fully expecting to have to assemble the car myself, using instructions written from right to left. 

     They did include three free months of a service that puts an advisor in touch with you automatically if your airbags deploy. Or you can ask for roadside assistance using hands-free voice-commands. I'm not sure they knew who they were dealing with. "Hi, it's me again. My hands are full with a giant piece of pizza right now, but that's not the reason I'm calling...."

     We closed the deal and I was presented with a huge key fob, which in addition to my wife's huge key fob, caused my pants to dip about five inches below sea level. Can't someone invent a "universal remote" for car keys like the one I have for my TV? 

     So if you see someone in a car with his airbags deployed and his hands free, touching his touch-screen in an inappropriate place, please don't hesitate to say hi!