CREATIVE RIDING

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-25-23)

 

     I bought an e-bike last year, so sue me. Go ahead, get it all out of your system, and rant and rave about what a lightweight I am (by the way thanks for noticing- I did drop a few pounds), and that I have bike-acrophobia, which is the fear of heights that you have to pedal to get to. I don't have a fear of any other heights, although I do have a fear of widths. And yes, I could flick through all those gears until I get to the lowest one, and slog up the hill, yelling out different things I could imagine doing to hills and bicycles in the way of torture, and believe me I have quite an imagination. And when I get to the top, what I see is another hill ahead, so I have to build up as much speed as possible to get as far up it as I can before I have to start pedaling again, and that's where things start to go downhill. The sequence is repeated at the top of that hill and the next, until I either hit something or something hits me, and only then is my cycle broken.

     You may not fully appreciate how challenging an e-bike is. I'm not talking about riding it, I'm talking about putting it together. Mine came from China, which is across at least one ocean that I know of and probably a desert or something, so the chances of it riding here by itself were about the same as me assembling it correctly on the first try. I'm willing to bet that Chinese people have no better luck understanding the directions than I did. There are phrases in the instructions like, "Tighten the screws tightly." A couple parts of the frame were bent during shipping and needed fine tuning, and for those I used a hammer, which I smashed smashingly. This is why I didn't order my new car from China, because I was afraid I'd have to put it together myself using Allen wrenches. Not that I'm superstitious but I won't call them "hex wrenches" until the job is completed. I'll walk you through the assembly process.

      Once you have the frame together, screw on the pedals. Remember that the pedals have opposing threads, not unlike my social media account, so I took to it like a thief to water. Note that each pedal installs in the opposite direction. Then install the reflectors. If I didn't install them properly, it will be no reflection on you.

     Adjust the brakes. My bicycle employs disc brakes, the same principle as in a car. If your brakes squeal, clean the rotors and the pads. A little alcohol will make the job much easier, especially if you save some for the brakes. Once the brakes are properly adjusted, you should "bed the brakes," where you systematically apply and release them as you ride at various speeds, to transfer some of the abrasive material from the pads onto the rotor. You may say, "Rick, I don't have time to bed the brakes," but you and your brakes have the whole evening ahead of you, the rest of the alcohol, and also "The Notebook" is on.

     Install the battery. The one on my bike is lockable and removable, so you can charge it anywhere. Some people have asked me, aren't you afraid that your lithium-ion batteries will start a fire? And I reply, no, I would welcome it, since I keep them in the fireplace. I've been reading about all kinds of new technologies that will only make batteries more powerful and efficient in the future. Saltwater batteries, cobalt-free lithium batteries, lithium-sulfur batteries. They are constantly trying to pair lithium with something that the Earth already has too much of, and might I suggest goofy tattoos.

     It did come with a bell, but when I'm riding I rarely use one. People don't equate bicycle bells with danger, so they don't get out of the way. What I do instead is to sing the most annoying song I can think of at full volume. When people hear "Baby Shark," they head for the exits, believe me. The bike didn't come with a mirror, but I'm assuming I looked fine.

     The good news is that the bike is performing very well a year later. Whenever I pass a car with only one person in it I scoff at them for ruining the planet. Of course, If I'm the one in the car I scoff at people on bicycles, for clogging up the road. I do spend a lot of time scoffing. But truthfully, every time I hop on that bike I leave less of a carbon footprint, and I wear size 11. The bad news is that I can't stop humming that damn "Baby Shark" song.